


Probably a Bad Idea

by SassySnowperson



Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy, Star Wars: Rebels
Genre: Accidental Marriage, Alcohol, Childhood Friends, Coming of Age, Falling In Love, Featured - Ghost Crew, Friends to Lovers, M/M, POV Jacen Syndulla, Poe Dameron and Jacen Syndulla are Disasters Together, Slow Burn, Woke Up Married
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-10
Updated: 2020-08-10
Packaged: 2021-03-06 04:22:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 25,034
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25517230
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SassySnowperson/pseuds/SassySnowperson
Summary: "What kind of kinky fun did we get up to last night?" Poe asked with a laugh, waving his hand and watching Jacen's hand wave too, their arms bound together with silky red ribbon.That gesture shook something loose in Jacen's mind, a quick cascade of memories. Firelight. Something alcoholic and sweet passed between the two of them. Sloppy, affectionate kisses. Stumbling over their feet trying to dance. Holding their hands out as a stranger wrapped a ribbon around them, mumbling promises they were far too drunk to mean."I don't think it was kink," Jacen said slowly. "Poe. I think we're married."
Relationships: Poe Dameron/Jacen Syndulla
Comments: 53
Kudos: 44
Collections: Just Married Exchange 2020





	1. Married?

**Author's Note:**

  * For [ambiguously](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ambiguously/gifts).



> Written for ambiguously for the Just Married Fic Exchange. 
> 
> I really enjoyed putting these two together and seeing what fireworks resulted! Your prompts were a great starting point - though as you might guess from the wordcount, what started as cracky fun grew...a bit more complicated. I hope you enjoy it!

Jacen Syndulla woke up and immediately decided consciousness was a terrible mistake. 

His head hurt. His mouth tasted like old engine fuel and felt like gummy engine grease. Even through his screwed-closed eyelids, everything was too bright. His arm had gone numb. 

He wanted to go back to sleep. His arm felt dead. That probably wasn't good for it. Maybe he could do something about that. He felt like his thoughts were moving through syrup. Arm. Numb. Should be easy to fix. Jacen screwed up his courage and looked down at his arm.

Ah. No. His evaluation was very, very wrong. This wasn't going to be easy to fix at all.

A mop of beautiful brown curls, belonging to one Poe Dameron, rested on his shoulder. Curls connected to neck connected to...Jacen's heart started racing until he caught the edge of Poe's shirt, hanging loose around his neck, nearly falling off one shoulder. 

Okay. He probably hadn't gotten blackout drunk and slept with his friend without remembering. Hopefully. Jacen blinked muzzily and realized that the discolored marks on Poe's bare shoulder were love-bites. 

"Not good," Jacen muttered. 

Poe stirred, looking up at Jacen. He blinked, and his face folded into a smile so wide it crinkled the corners of his eyes, and Jacen's heart gave an uneasy beat in his chest. "Jacen," Poe purred with sleepy pleasure and tried to shift up. 

When Poe moved, Jacen's arm moved too. They both stopped and looked at each other. Poe's face fell into a confused furrow, and as one they both looked down at their arms. Bright red ribbon tied them together. One loop went around both their wrists, wove a twining pattern between and around their forearms, and an ornate knot tied them together at the elbow. 

"What kind of kinky fun did we get up to last night?" Poe asked with a laugh, waving his hand and watching Jacen's hand wave too. 

That gesture shook something loose in Jacen's mind, a quick cascade of memories. Firelight. Something alcoholic and sweet passed between the two of them. Sloppy, affectionate kisses. Stumbling over their feet trying to dance. Holding their hands out as a stranger wrapped a ribbon around them, mumbling promises they were far too drunk to mean. 

Afterwards, signing a holopad. Receiving congratulations they didn't quite understand. 

"I don't think it was kink," Jacen said slowly. 

"I really don't remember," Poe admitted. He smiled up at Jacen. "If we actually banged, I want a redo. I'm just getting that on the record, right now. I'd be sad to not-remember the only sex I had with you."

"I don't think we had sex," Jacen said, blinking at the ribbon. "Poe. I think we're _married_."

* * *

Apparently, the first time Jacen Syndulla met Poe Dameron, he had been three and Poe had just had his first birthday. The meeting had passed without incident. Jacen had to assume that being unable to talk or really even walk had been the critical factor in rendering Poe largely harmless. 

The first Jacen _remembered_ meeting Poe, he was eight, and Poe was six. Hera had decided to visit her old war buddies after far too long, and Jacen, as ever, had been at her side. Hera, Shara, and Kes had politely shoved them outside to play, leaving Poe and Jacen blinking at each other in Yavin's sunlight. At that age, the two years seemed like a vast gulf in experience, and from the towering heights of being so very much older Jacen understood that it was his responsibility to look after Poe. 

Within the hour Poe had talked Jacen up the ramp of Ghost, into the cockpit, and off on a joyride with Poe grinning wildly in the copilot's seat. Jacen felt a kick-thump of excitement in his chest, looking over at Poe's smile, crooked and punctuated by a hole where he was missing his front tooth. 

The excitement quickly turned to terror as the comm clicked on and his mother's voice came pouring out. "Jacen Caleb Jarrus-Syndulla, land the ship _right_ now," was all she said. But with her tone ice-cold and full of a general's fury, Jacen figured she didn't need to say any more. 

"They're just in an A-Wing," Poe offered with a slight lisp as he looked at the scanner. "I'll bet we could get Ghost into hyperspace before—" 

"No," Jacen said, finally finding his backbone, far too late. "Fun's over." 

Poe gave a world-weary sigh and a slight nod, and they managed to set Ghost down in a clearing without too much trouble. 

Shara had marched in like a whirlwind and dragged Poe out by his ear, promising elaborate retributions that Jacen found unlikely. If Poe had survived six years without being sold to passing scavengers in exchange for caf beans, this probably wasn't going to be the thing that pushed Shara over the edge. 

Jacen's mother didn't bother with the over-the-top threats. She looked at him with more confusion in her expression than anything else. "You're normally such a good kid," she said, her voice heavy with disappointment. 

Jacen would have preferred Shara's threats of tying her son to a cliff until the birds carried him away. He ducked his head. "Sorry, mom." 

His mother shook her head slowly, and shooed him out of the pilot's seat. 

However, despite the less-than-auspicious start, Hera must have seen something good come out of Jacen's friendship with Poe. She kept bringing Jacen to visit. Each time, Jacen promised himself he was going to be good, he was not going to let Poe talk him into _anything_. And each time, Jacen found himself neck-deep in trouble with Poe grinning next to him. 

Poe would slide up next to Jacen with a grin and wink and try to talk him into eating a birthday cake before the guests arrived for the party, or get excited about spraying elaborate DuraTint pictures along the sides of neglected buildings, and even once begging Jacen to help Poe free the neighbors gruntbeasts, which Poe thought were terribly abused. And then Jacen would forget all his reasons for saying no, then he and Poe (and sometimes Chopper, whom Hera had asked to keep an eye on Jacen in the very desperate hope that _Chopper_ would be the voice of reason) would stumble their way deep into trouble. And then came the part where his mother found him with icing smeared on his face, standing on top of Chopper to finish the top of his stylized painting, or knee-deep in a swamp stalking an irritated farm animal. 

She always seemed so confused (but less and less surprised) to find Jacen wrapped up in incriminating evidence and without any sort of explanation. Jacen never figured out how to put into words just how reasonable Poe sounded when he wanted to be convincing. He didn't have words for how important he felt when he could make Poe smile. He couldn't explain the physics of the situation—Poe had his own gravity and Jacen couldn't help but fall into orbit. 

"You know better," his mother would tell him, and yes, Jacen did. But even though it made no sense, in Jacen's heart Poe knew _best_. 

It was horribly embarrassing, how thoroughly Poe had Jacen wrapped around his little finger. But for all the trouble they got into, Jacen didn't really _mind_. Hanging out with Poe was a chance to have uncomplicated fun, and he didn't have too many of those in his life. 

His mom to settled down like Kes and Shara had. Jacen was always her kid, but sometimes, he was also Spectre 7. He knew when he was younger that the crew had thought of him more as a…cute mascot. But the older he got, the more he was considered an operative in his own right, and was proud of that. He was also always faintly terrified that if he reminded the people around him how old he _wasn't_ they'd decide that maybe he'd be better off in a boarding school somewhere. 

Jacen didn't want that. He loved his life, he loved the things he got to see and do as his mom's first-officer-in-training. But it was nice, around Poe, to let all that go for a bit.

"Sure you don't want to join the academy?" eighteen-year-old Poe asked, kicking back in his sun chair and folding his hands behind his head. He was finally starting to grow into his limbs, which at fifteen had bolted out and made him coltish and awkward for the next year and a half. The newfound grace looked good on him. "I'm enrolling next year, and you'd only be a couple years behind. There's plenty of late admissions. We could be classmates! Don't you want to hang out with me more?" 

Jacen shook his head. "Academy isn't for me. I've got...my own thing going." 

"Yeah, yeah," Poe rolled his eyes. "I guess you don't really need the academy. You're already full up on daring and adventure. For me, it's the only way I'm getting off this overgrown rock." Poe gestured expansively around the clearing, bounded on all sides by rainforest, sharp mountains rising even above the trees. 

"If you've got to be stuck in a place, this really isn't a bad one," Jacen offered. 

"Sure, sure. But I'm still _stuck_. For now. Hey," Poe straightened up, giving Jacen an intent look, "When I get clearance, will you actually be able to tell me about all the stuff you've gotten up to?" 

Jacen shrugged. "Maybe?" 

The Ghost crew were technically, by Republic law, mercenaries. They only had one employer, though, and all the New Republic brass still called his mom "General." But she didn't hold formal commission anymore. She liked her freedom too much. 

Still, they were trusted, so the Ghost had meddled in plenty of sensitive matters over the years. Jacen understood the importance of confidentiality. Spilling secrets was the one thing Poe had never been able to talk him into. 

"I'm going to wind up being your New Republic liaison," Poe decided, slapping the sides of his chair. "Then you won't be able to keep secrets, because I'll be right alongside you." 

"That sounds like fun," Jacen said, truthfully.

"Absolutely not!" his mom exclaimed when Jacen recounted this story later, laughing until tears nearly came out of her eyes. "Oh, I can't even imagine the trouble the two of you would get up to on-mission together."

Jacen ducked his head and gave his mom his best sheepish smile. "We didn't get up to too much trouble this visit." 

"Hate to say it, but I think you're growing up," she offered with an affectionate smile. "Either that or you're saving it all up for Poe's graduation party in a few months." 

"Let's go with growing up," Jacen decided. 

"Just don't get arrested," his mom said, leaning forward and kissing the center of Jacen's forehead. "That's all I ask." 

Jacen wasn't really looking forward to the party. He figured he'd know Poe and nobody else. But still, Poe was about to graduate, and he had already claimed early admission to the academy's rigorous pilot track. He deserved celebrating. Jacen could stand a few awkward hours to make that happen. 

Before then, though, the Ghost needed to slip past a trade blockade and dismantle it from the other side, liberate a small planet from a trading guild executive with delusions of governance, and negotiate a peace settlement between two different aquatic sapient species that were meeting for the first time because the New Republic had punched a canal through the long, narrow landmass between their two oceans.

"What a mess," his mother said, dripping in the entryway as she removed her rebreather. "The New Republic had diplomats, why didn't they just send them?" 

"You're the one who accepted the mission," Jacen pointed out as he toweled off his hair. 

His mother shrugged, and Jacen noticed the tired lines at the corners of her eyes. "Between them, the Themerians and the Paquiams managed to kill seven of the survey team. If the New Republic had come to settle the matter, they would have sent soldiers, not diplomates." 

Jacen grunted. "Seems unfair, because if the survey team had done their damn job in the first place— " 

"—and not completely overlooked the underwater portion of the sapient native species survey, we wouldn't need to be here at all. But greed made them rush, and if we hadn't meddled, the Themerians and the Paquiams would have paid the price." His mother grimaced. "We're seeing it more and more." 

"Talk to Senator Organa?" Jacen offered. His mom knew some scary people. 

"I already have. She's worried too. But she's one person, she doesn't…" She jerked her rebreather free and tossed it aside, then ran her hands over her face. 

"You made the right call today," Jacen offered, fighting down the little flutters of panic that happened whenever he saw his mom uncertain or overwhelmed. He reached out and squeezed her shoulder. "I'm glad we came." 

His mom dropped her hands from her face, and smiled over at him. There was a knowing look in her eye as she shook her head slightly. "Oh, kiddo, you don't need to reassure me." She leaned forward and kissed his temple. "Love you. We'll figure this out. Look, let's get flying. It's about time to head on over to Yavin IV, I'll drop you off, you and Poe will have a wonderful time. Don't even worry about the rest of this." 

"Alright, Mom," Jacen agreed. "So, rock, flimsi, vibroknife for who gets first sonic? We both smell like seaweed." 

"You take it," his mom said with a grin. "It'll be easier for me to clean without the fur." She reached over and ruffled Jacen's jawline, where Jacen was making his best attempt at growing something resembling a beard. 

Jacen jerked his chin out of her hand and wrinkled his nose over at her. "Don't disrespect the beard," he said, smoothing his fingertips over the fine fuzz on his cheeks. 

"Oh, sweetheart, I am definitely not disrespecting anything even remotely resembling a beard," his mom said with a smile. 

Chopper buzzed his approval and held his claw up for a high-five, which Hera gave him. 

So maybe it wasn't a terribly successful beard, at the moment. Still, his mom was smiling again, so Jacen called that a win. "Love you," he said, then headed off toward the 'fresher. 

* * *

"Jace-jace-jaceeeeeeeeeen," Poe hollered as he flung open the door, somehow managing to turn Jacen's name into something five syllables long. Poe half-hugged Jacen, half-dragged him inside. "Ah, man, I'm so glad you're here! I can't wait to introduce you to everyone." 

The graduation party had rented a large old house near the city center of Vornez. Yavin IV didn't really have a city big enough to have a 'downtown' but Vornez sported a couple themed bars, some good dance floors, and a decent holotag complex— all that was needed to have a madcap graduation bash. 

Jacen had shown up early with vague thoughts of resting before the party. Poe quickly threw that idea out the window; he grabbed Jacen's hand and started introducing him to other guests. They melded into a blur of faces that he tried to keep straight. 

For a farmboy that had spent his life tied to one planet, Poe knew a stunning array of people. Jacen just held on as Poe dragged him from one cheerful conversation to another, before he eventually dragged Jacen right out the door and into the night.

Somewhere in the rush of ordering drinks at the first bar, Jacen managed to disentangle himself from Poe. Jacen drifted to the outskirts of the party, content to watch Poe hold court from afar. He didn't want to monopolize Poe's time, after all, everyone here was his friend. He should celebrate with all of them. 

Jacen wound up talking to a classmate of Poe's named Ikue, a quiet girl with shocking pink hair who wanted to be a xenobiologist. She found out he was an off-worlder and started drilling him in galactic biodiversity. Jacen genuinely enjoyed the conversation, and stuck close to Ikue as the party drifted from a low-lit spirits bar to a tropical-plant-themed mixed drinks bar to a strobing, pounding dance hall. 

Jacen kept an eye on Poe as they moved, and Poe always seemed utterly delighted in every moment. He would flit from person to person, slinging back drinks and dancing with his friends. Every so often his circuit would take them past Ikue and Jacen, and Poe would shout a couple sentences in their direction and move on again. 

Once they hit the dance hall, Ikue and Jacen planted themselves in a quiet corner. Jacen didn't feel like dancing and Ikue said that she needed to know every detail of the flying reptilian-avian hybrids Jacen had run into on a mid-rim planet's moon before she'd consider leaving the conversation. 

They were interrupted midway through Jacen describing what he remembered of their hunting patterns when Poe's circuit once again brought him past their table. 

"Having fun?" he asked, looking from one to the other. 

"Yeah," Jacen answered honestly. 

Poe turned to Ikue. "You've been harassing him for details about weird animals, this whole time, haven't you? I heard the words 'habitat' and 'nesting patterns,'" Poe said, flourishing as he presented his evidence. 

"I'm not harassing him!" Ikue protested. "He just said he's having fun."

"Regardless, I demand a dance. We're going to relive our Advanced Ballistics education days. Come on," Poe said, holding out his hand and wiggling his fingers at Ikue. 

With that introduction, Jacen was a little worried about the dance that might result, but there seemed to be very little ballistics involved. Instead it was full of dorky wiggling and waving hands that had Poe and Ikue laughing so hard tears streamed down their faces. 

"Your turn," Poe announced, holding his hand out to Jacen when he finished escorting Ikue back to their table. 

Jacen took Poe's hand with a little wince. "I don't really dance," he said, as he let Poe drag him out to the dance floor. He'd known Poe over a decade now, and he hadn't got any better at saying no to him. 

Poe grinned. "Just put your hands on my hips, Syndulla, and we'll figure out the rest." Jacen obeyed, and Poe twined his arms around Jacen's neck and set them into a gentle swaying pattern. 

Jacen felt his skin grow hot as he felt the lean muscle of Poe's waist shift under his hands. Jacen was normally so good at ignoring the fact that Poe had grown up and was now painfully _hot_. But maybe it was seeing him outside of his family farm, or maybe it was having Poe's body so very close to touching his, but Jacen could have sooner ignored a charging battle droid than the fact that Poe was absolutely gorgeous. 

Poe offered Jacen a smile that raced through his veins like a shot of glitterstim. Jacen swallowed uncomfortably and hoped the low strobing light hid the embarrassed deep green his ears were. 

"Seriously, are you enjoying yourself?" Poe asked earnestly. 

Acting on some dangerous impulse, Jacen's hands tightened along Poe's waist and pulled him even closer. "I really am," Jacen responded, and he hoped Poe hadn't turned into a mind reader, because he was definitely thinking of several ways he could enjoy himself even more. 

"Good," Poe said, then did a little gyration with the music that Jacen did his best to follow. He must not have done too badly, because Poe gave an appreciative growl and muttered, "Don't know how to dance, my ass. Liar." 

Their dance continued, and Jacen wasn't sure whether to classify it as sensual or competitive. Poe danced like he was trying to surprise Jacen, but every step kept them close together. It was fun, whatever it was, and when the song ended and they both drew back, and Jacen wondered if he was imagining that the flickering neon lights were illuminating a slight flush across Poe's cheeks. 

"Thanks for the dance," Poe said, having some trouble meeting Jacen's eyes. 

"Yeah," Jacen agreed. "It was fun." 

"I'm gonna, um," Poe waved his hands back toward the other partygoers. 

"Of course," Jacen said, and let go of Poe's waist. He tucked his hands firmly in his pockets to keep himself from doing something stupid and headed back to his table. 

Ikue cocked her head as he returned. "I can't tell," she said after a long moment of contemplation, "if you hooked up before, you're hooking up now, or you're getting ready to hook up in the future." 

"None of the above," Jacen squeaked, shoving his hands a little more firmly in his pockets. The tips of his ears burned. 

"Future, got it," Ikue said. "So, hunting patterns, you said there was an echolocation component? Fascinating." 

Jacen wanted to refute her first statement, but since Ikue was kind enough to offer him a lifeline out of the terrible conversation, Jacen grabbed it with both hands. "I'm not sure, but I can't think what else the clicks would be—they made those noises when they were following prey circling patterns."

"It's so convenient you remember so much about them! Are you sure you're not a xenobiologist yourself?" 

"No," Jacen said dryly, remembering the long, hard slog through the trees, and the way the team had to pull deep into shadows when they heard the clicks sound overhead. "They're just well over twenty feet long. We _were_ the prey." 

"Amazing," Ikue breathed, not put off at all. 

The group stayed out so late that the sky was starting to stumble into morning when they made it back to the house. Everyone was a listing, giggling mess, drunk on exhaustion and alcohol alike. 

Jacen made a beeline for the 'fresher, and by the time he emerged he realized his tactical error. All the guests had already flopped down on a soft surface. All the beds and couches and even the comfortable-looking chairs were taken. 

Jacen was looking critically at the floor under the table and trying to muzzily figure out if he'd rather sleep there or leave the house and figure out a hotel when warm fingers closed around his wrist. "Come on," Poe said, tugging him away from the table. "You can share with me." 

"It's your party," Jacen protested. He wasn't sure how he'd handle a whole night inches away from Poe and not touching him. 

"Yeah, so I make the decisions. Come on." Poe tugged again, and Jacen, still terrible at saying no, followed. 

They both quietly stripped for bed in different corners of the room Poe had claimed for himself. By the time Jacen turned around, Poe had already taken the right side of the bed. He looked like he was posing for a portrait—one hand thrown over his brow, fixing the ceiling with a pensive look. 

He was also shirtless, which was really unfortunate for Jacen, who was having all sorts of thoughts about his lips and Poe's chest and the way those things should meet. Jacen briefly considered Plan Sleep Under the Table again, but decided explaining to Poe why he needed to be out of the room would be more mortifying than just staying. 

Jacen's miserable lust was interrupted by the sight of a silver chain along Poe's chest, one small, filigreed ring hanging on it. He swallowed, as he remembered it was Shara's ring. And with that realization, came a host of other reminders: That Poe was his friend, the friend he had hugged through furious sobbing at Shara's funeral; the one he had shared serious conversations with about missing moms and missing dads, and whether it was better to miss your parent or never know them. 

Poe was such an important part of his life. They'd shared so much. They could share this too, and Jacen could keep his self-control _on_ and his libido firmly under control. 

"How are you feeling?" Jacen asked as he pulled back the sheets and slid into bed. 

Poe let his hand fall and rolled toward Jacen, tucking his arm under his head like a pillow as he snuggled in. "Good. Tired. I danced a lot." 

"You did," Jacen said, mirroring Poe's posture. His breath felt tight in his lungs at the intimacy of having Poe's big brown eyes so close. "Was it the night you wanted for your graduation extravaganza?"

"Yeah," Poe said, as he closed his eyes in a long, slow blink. Just before Jacen could wonder if Poe had gone to sleep, Poe's eyes opened again. "One regret." 

"Hm?" Jacen asked. 

Poe reached across the gap between them slowly, and set the tips of his fingers on Jacen's bicep. Jacen couldn't help the way his breathing hitched a little at the touch, and again when Poe traced his hand down Jacen's arm, to his elbow, his forearm, his wrist. Poe wrapped his fingers around Jacen's wrist and slowly pulled Jacen's hand over the divide between them. 

There wasn't any pressure to the hold, Jacen could have broken it just by refusing to move. But he followed Poe's lead, and his hand settled on Poe's waist again, like it had when they were dancing. But Poe was shirtless, and Jacen's palm caressed warm skin. 

"When we were dancing," Poe whispered, "I feel like I should have kissed you." 

"Ah," was all Jacen managed to say out loud. His fingers tightened around Poe's waist, and he could feel the way Poe's breathing went shallow in response. 

"I just kinda have this feeling you wouldn't have minded," Poe wiggled a little closer.

"I, um—I don't do great in crowds. Probably for the best," Jacen said, only half paying attention to his words, too transfixed by every small inch that Poe moved closer to him. 

"We're alone now," Poe pointed out in a whisper. He was so, so close. It would be so easy to— 

Jacen leaned forward and pressed a chaste kiss against Poe's cheek. 

Poe shivered, and made a sad grunt in the back of his throat when Jacen pulled away again. "Not what I meant," Poe said, some exasperation threading through the words. 

"We're exhausted," Jacen said. "And probably at least a little drunk." 

"Not drunk," Poe muttered. "Tipsy." 

"Let's see how it looks in the morning," Jacen said firmly. 

"Okay," Poe said, and after a beat gave a massive yawn. "Will you hold me, at least?" 

"Um." Jacen realized, too late, that he hadn't taken his hand off Poe's waist. He should say no to this too, but it probably wouldn't hurt to just…cuddle, a little. "Okay." 

"Good," Poe said, and with surprising speed rolled over and into Jacen's arms, his back against Jacen's chest. 

Jacen froze for a moment, then slowly figured out where to put his hands. His palm crept up and over Poe's chest, until it settled over the spot where Poe's heart beat firm and true beneath the skin. Jacen held Poe tightly, and he felt Poe melt against him. "Get some sleep," Jacen whispered against the back of Poe's head. 

Jacen's answer was in the slow rise and fall of Poe's chest, the steady inhale and exhale of slumber. 

* * *

Jacen woke up sweating. The sun streamed bright through the open window, and an inferno had parked itself next to him. 

The inferno groaned and shifted, and revealed itself to be Poe Dameron. Jacen abruptly remembered the night before, and just as abruptly became aware that he was achingly hard, and pressed all along Poe's lean body. Shivers of pleasure shot through him at every little shift from Poe. Jacen fought down a moan and he tried very hard to keep from moving, to keep from grinding up into that delicious heat. 

"Turn that thing off," Poe grumbled, shifting to throw an arm over his eyes. 

"Okay," Jacen said, happily grabbing at an excuse to shake himself free. He started to roll away from Poe. 

"No," Poe mumbled, shifting away instead. "I've got it. Need use the 'fresher anyway." Poe scooted away from Jacen and off his end of the bed without any commentary on Jacen's morning wood. Or without bringing up the kissing talk again from last night. He just tugged the curtains shut and wandered over to the small en-suite 'fresher. 

Jacen sighed, rolling onto his back and covering his eyes with his arm. He had made the right call shutting Poe down last night. He knew it. How much worse would this have been if they had made out last night and then woken up embarrassed and unsure with each other? Horrible. Definitely the right decision. 

But that also meant that he had never kissed Poe, and sometime in the last day that had started to feel like a tragedy. 

Jacen sighed. He was being melodramatic. He probably just needed to eat breakfast. 

The 'fresher door opened, footsteps padded across the room back to the bed, and a dip in the mattress next to Jacen let him know that Poe had returned. 'Be normal,' he chided himself, before turning back to Poe. "Good morning." 

"Mm," Poe said, burrowing back between the sheets. "I hope so." 

"Just hope? That's nearly pessimistic, coming from you," Jacen said, raising an eyebrow. 

"Yeah, well, there's stuff on my mind," Poe said. 

"Graduation? Academy?" Jacen asked, hazarding some guesses. 

Poe looked at him blankly, then slowly shook his head. "No, I, um…before I go any further, do you actually remember last night? I didn't think you were that drunk." 

Jacen felt heat flood his face, and next to him Poe laughed and tapped the top of Jacen's ear. "Ooooh, dark green. Okay, yeah, you remember. So…I'm not drunk, and for the record, I still think that kissing is a really great idea." 

Jacen took a slow breath. "Okay," he said on the exhale. 

"Is that like, 'okay lets do this,' or, 'okay I acknowledge your feelings but am still not going to—'" 

Jacen leaned in and kissed him, a quick press of lip on lip. He pulled back a little to say, "It's an, 'okay, I want to kiss you too.'" 

"Oh thank the _stars_ ," Poe said, and moved in again. His lips were soft and warm, and as his fingers flitted over Jacen's cheek, his ears, his jaw, they left a wake of tingling excitement along Jacen's skin. 

Jacen gasped and scooted in closer, wanting more, wanting to crawl inside the kiss and live there. He got his hand around the back of Poe's neck and held him close. Poe gave an agreeable moan and opened his mouth at the pressure. 

Poe tasted sweet, he smelled sweet, and the strands of hair brushing the back of Jacen's hands were freshly-blown-sonic clean. Jacen felt heat race through his veins as he realized what Poe had taken time to do in the 'fresher. Clean up. For this. For Jacen. 

"You—" Jacen gasped against Poe's lips, half-blinded by desire. 

Poe replied with a low and serious, "I want you." 

"I'm—" Jacen fought with his own better judgement. "There are people right outside, and you—" 

Jacen's point would probably have been more strongly made if he had managed to stop stealing kisses off of Poe. 

"Okay, okay," Poe said, pulling back and dragging his fingers through his hair. "What if we're really quiet?" he asked, raising his eyebrows over at Jacen. 

"Poe," Jacen groaned. It wasn't a no. He didn't think he could say no, even if it meant Poe's friends overhearing squeaking beds and escaping moans. 

"Fine, just—" Poe leaned in and stole another deep kiss off of Jacen, one hand sneaking down to squeeze Jacen's ass. "Stay. Okay? Do brunch with everyone, and then we'll check out and they'll go home and we'll stay in town. Get a hotel somewhere. My dad won't mind if I'm with you." 

"He'd mind if he knew—" 

"So we won't tell him! Please, Jacen. I know you want this too. That wasn't a lightsaber handle between my asscheeks this morning." 

Jacen groaned and covered his face with his hands. 

"I didn't mind," Poe said quickly. "It was just really hard to fight the urge to, you know," Poe leaned in and said low in Jacen's ear, "tease you until you rolled me over and took me." 

Jacen kissed Poe again, hard and fierce, dragging his teeth along Poe's bottom lip. "It seems to me that's still basically your plan," he pointed out when he pulled away again. 

"Is it working?" Poe asked with a little grin. Sobering slightly, he reached out and traced his finger along the shell of Jacen's pointed ear, down to his jawline. "Come on, stay with me. Let's do this right." 

Jacen was sure there were ten thousand reasons he should be saying no to this. This, like everything else Poe suggested. But, just like everything else Poe suggested, he wasn't saying anything that Jacen didn't want to hear. 

"This is probably a bad idea." Jacen grabbed Poe's hand, and turned to press a kiss to the center of the palm. "Yes," he promised in a whisper against Poe's skin, "I'll stay." 

* * *

Jacen stayed carefully out of the holocamera's range when Poe plopped down on a park bench to call his father. Poe knew how to skirt around the truth convincingly, but for some reason Hera and Kes alike could spot trouble on Jacen's face every time.

"Jacen's able to stay in town for a couple more days, so we're going to hang out!" Poe said, fully of chirpy innocence, like he hadn't just spent half of brunch with his hand creeping ever-higher on Jacen's thigh under the table.

"You guys should come back to the farm," Kes said. "I'd like to see Jacen." 

Poe made a face. "Nice try. You'll just put him to work on the melon harvest. I'll make sure he comes back and sees you before he leaves, but I am going to save him from manual labor." 

Kes laughed. "Fine, fine, you boys have fun." After a pause, Kes added. "Don't get arrested." 

Poe rolled his eyes and toggled his comm off. 

"My mom said the same thing. I don't think I like what that says about their faith in us." Jacen commented. 

"Well, good news, the plans I have for you are way less likely to get us arrested than usual," Poe said as he leaned a little closer. 

"Plans, huh?" Jacen asked, swallowing to cover for the fact that his mouth had suddenly gone dry. 

Poe just nodded. He looked at Jacen. Jacen looked back at Poe. 

Jacen had no idea what to do next. He stared at Poe, feeling the moment grow stiff and awkward as neither of them said anything. 

"I should have just talked you into sex back at the rental," Poe finally blurted out, his cheeks a ruddy pink. "It's all uncomfortable now." 

Jacen laughed a little as he felt the tension break. "I would have been even more _uncomfortable_ then. I'd have jumped out of my skin every time the bed made a noise." 

"Guess that would have ruined the mood." Poe was glancing around, looking at the street in front of them, the park behind them, anywhere but Jacen. 

"We don't have to do…anything," Jacen said. "We can just hang out. Get that hotel room and see what holovids we can rent, instead." 

Poe set his jaw and looked back over to Jacen. "No. Look, I…" Poe trailed off, licking his lips. "Can I take you out? Like on a date? Because, don't get me wrong, I definitely think you're delicious and I want to lick every inch of you but dragging you back to a hotel to use your body for all its worth just feels cheap." 

Jacen gave Poe a lopsided smile. "You want to treat me right?" he asked, teasing a little. 

"I—yeah, I guess!" Poe folded his arms. "I'm not asking for serious. I'm definitely not trying to find a boyfriend. I'm going to be really busy with the academy here soon, and you vanish for months at a time anyway, so obviously that won't work. But we're friends! I don't want to treat you like some weird sex toy!"

Jacen choked back a laugh. 

"I'm serious!" Poe protested. 

"I know," Jacen said, and caught Poe's jaw between his hands and leaned forward to kiss him. Jacen kept the kiss warm and sweet, and kissed the tip of Poe's nose as he pulled away. "Yeah," Jacen said, running his thumb over Poe's cheek. "Let's go out. Have some fun. See where it goes." 

* * *

"I'm sorry," Poe said, blinking. "Run that by me again. _Married_?" 

Jacen gave a slow nod, his eyes still fixed on the ribbon. 

"Alright, I'm going to go get a vibroknife and slice this off—" 

"No!" Jacen protested. He reached forward and started picking at the knot. 

"My way is faster," Poe said. 

"Just…" Jacen shifted so their joined arms were more firmly on his lap. "Let me…" Jacen found the release in the knot and tugged carefully, and it all came unraveled. 

Poe jerked his arm back as soon as it was free, and rubbed at his elbow while staring at the ribbon suspiciously. "My way was faster."

Jacen blushed as he looked down at the ribbon in his hands. "This is a Ramsu wedding band. It's bad luck to break it."

"Right..." Poe said skeptically. "Because we wouldn't want to bring bad luck down on our fake marriage."

"I don't think it's fake!" Jacen protested as he tucked the wedding ribbon away in his pocket. He took a minute to be grateful that he had pockets, because that meant his pants were still on. "You remember, when we wound up down by spaceport, ship-watching? And that trader ship came in?"

"Ye-eess?" Poe furrowed his forehead. "Yes! You knew them! I said we should go say hi."

Poe had. And this was one thing Jacen wished he _hadn't_ let Poe talk him into. "Yeah. We said hi, you somehow talked your way into sharing dinner with them, they broke out the sweetwine. And the sweetwine, which is apparently way more alcoholic than it tastes, got us drunk, and then drunk us got married!"

"I'm still not tracking with that last one!" Poe said, flinging his hands up. "Why do you keep coming back to married?!"

"Because we did! Ramsu weddings go like this: they share a cup, they dance around the fire—" 

"It wasn't really a fire!" Poe protested. 

"Holopyro, fine, it's a cultural adaptation. Then they join hands over the fire, and the ribbon binds them as they make their promises." 

"I don't…remember any promises," Poe said slowly. 

Jacen rubbed his temples. "I don't either, but we must have said something." He grabbed for his datapad. 

"Okay. Okay! This is doable. So there's a group of Ramsu out there that think we're married. That's fine. It'll make for a funny story!" 

Jacen groaned, and held his datapad out to Poe. On it, the public records database for the New Republic proudly read: 
    
    
       9 Solamber 20 ABY - Union Registered - Poe Dameron and Jacen Syndulla
    

"What?" Poe hissed, his eyes going wide as he looked at Jacen. 

"I thought I remembered signing a datapad," Jacen said glumly. "I hoped I was wrong." 

"No, no, no," Poe muttered, dragging his fingers down his face. "We can't tell my dad!" 

"We can't tell _my mom_. I hate to think what she'd do. She'd…" Jacen sighed. "She'd laugh at me."

Poe ran his fingers through his hair. "Okay, so, we agree. Don't tell the parents, and we'll just...figure out how to get divorced! Easy!" 

"Yeah," Jacen said, taking a deep, slow breath. "Right. Right! This doesn't need to be a problem." 

* * *

The clerk shook her head, her long lekku waving behind her as she looked over the document. "Yep yep, all looks good, you can file for separation. I'll just need your parents' contact information to issue the separation notice." 

"I'm sorry, what?" Poe said, blinking at her. 

"You're both under the age of twenty-one. Separation requires parental notification." The clerk shrugged. "I don't make the rules." 

"We didn't need parental notification to _get_ married!" Jacen protested. 

The clerk clicked her tongue as she looked over the document. "Yeah—I see here, it was a Ramsu ceremony. That's a workaround. They've got different rules because of their clan structure. The captain of the ship authorized it, that counts." 

"Can the captain deauthorize it?" Poe asked, sounding hopeful. 

"No," the clerk responded. "You're not actually a part of any Ramsu ship network. For unaffiliated folks it defaults back to parental notification." 

"This is really stupid!" Jacen growled in frustration. "Who made these rules? They're bad rules!" 

"Not me, I just make sure everyone plays by them. So. Addresses?" 

"We, um," Poe darted a glance at Jacen. "We need to…go get them." 

"Uh-huh. Well, we're here," the clerk said, looking up and past them. "Next!" 

Once they emerged from the records office, Poe turned to Jacen, a little glint of madness in his eyes as he said, "Okay. Okay! I know. We will give them fake addresses." 

Jacen shook his head, sighing heavily. "No. That's not—I know where that ends. Eventually, both our parents find out anyway, _and_ they find out we lied about it. I think we're just going to have to own up." 

Poe gave a rough exhale. "Or…" 

"No, Poe, no or!" 

"Are you planning on marrying anyone else in the next three years?" Poe asked quickly, the mad glint cooling into something more calculating. "Because I'm not. And I don't think either of our parents are going to just happen to run a records search for whether or not we got married because that would be _stupid._ Getting married is something a _stupid_ person would do. And right now, at least, our parents don't think we're complete idiots." 

"So, what, we just...stay married?" Jacen said, turning the idea over in his head. "And not tell anyone?" 

"Yes! And then if they find out, _they're_ the weird ones for looking it up, and we get to laugh it off." Poe raised a finger and gave Jacen a winning smile. "Come on, Jace, it's foolproof." 

"Don't say that!" Jacen groaned. "The universe is full of very creative fools!" 

"Okay, fine, it's the best plan I can think of, then. And if, on the off-chance, one of us wants to get married again before I turn twenty-one, we can fess up then. Please," Poe's face fell, and he looked down at the ground. "My dad's finally starting to treat me like an adult. I don't want to ruin that, you know?" 

Jacen gave a heavy sigh. He knew a thing or two about how fragile parental trust could feel. The responsibility of not letting them down. "Okay, we'll go with your plan." 

"Really?" Poe asked, shooting up again. "Great!"

Jacen sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose. "I can't believe this happened. Legally, I'm _married_ to you." It was such a big, ridiculous idea that Jacen still couldn't wrap his head around it. 

Poe nudged his elbow against Jacen's side. "Don't worry, baby, I'm going to be an amazing husband." 

"No, we're not leaning into this, we're—" Jacen held up his hands.

"So are you going to take Dameron, or should I take Syndulla? Poe Syndulla. That's got a ring to it, don't you think?" 

"Poe, I swear—" 

"I'm kidding," Poe said with a smile, stroking Jacen's bicep soothingly. "But, you know what we should do?" 

Jacen gave Poe an exasperated look. "I'm going to hate this, aren't I?" 

"Have a honeymoon!" Poe raised his eyebrows and tilted his head. "Or at least, go back to that hotel room we already paid for and let me finally get you naked. It is a travesty I have woken up cuddled up with you twice now, and we haven't gotten any further than some light groping!" 

"I…" Jacen shook his head. "After all this you still want to…?" 

"Yeah," Poe said, like it was the dumbest thing Jacen could have possibly said. After a beat, Poe screwed up his nose and admitted, "Probably even more now. I gotta admit, the idea of sex with my secret husband is really doing it for me." 

"You're unbelievable."

Poe smiled, a little intimate smile. "That's not a no," Poe said, his voice filled with knowing. 

Jacen gave a heavy sigh. "No. It's not. Alright, lets go…have a honeymoon, I guess." 

"Don't sound so dour," Poe protested, stepping up next to Jacen and taking Jacen's hand. "Look on the bright side." 

"I'm about to get a lot of orgasms," Jacen filled in. He had to admit, there was no small amount of stirring excitement that accompanied that idea. 

"Well, yes," Poe said, matter-of-factly, "but also we can, with complete accuracy, inform our parents that we did _not_ get arrested." 


	2. The Problem with Purrgil

Jacen made it off of Yavin-IV and back to Ghost without anyone finding out he had married Poe. Or at least, anyone telling him that they had found out he had married Poe. Jacen figured that meant nobody had figured it out, because between Kes and Hera and Chopper, one of them _absolutely_ would have said something. 

That didn't mean he had entirely escaped embarrassment, though. 

"So," Hera said as Jacen settled into the co-pilot's seat. "Kes let me know that you and Poe decided to spend some time together. Alone." 

"Well," Jacen said, trying to be calm, "it's probably the last chance we'll have to hang out for awhile. We decided we wanted to, you know, spend time together, not, um, just with family." 

"Time. Together. Alone," Hera repeated flatly. "Kiddo, I gotta admit, there's a pretty obvious reason I can think of for that, and it's got me a little worried." 

Jacen closed his eyes and took a long, slow breath. He could lie to his mom. But…he'd never been any good at that. More than that, aside from the accidental drunken marriage (and Jacen had to admit that was a very large aside), it wasn't like he was ashamed of any of it. 

"Mom," he finally said, "I'm not trying to hide anything from you. Yes, we…did some stuff. And if you want, I will discuss that with you in more detail. But I have to ask, do you _really_ want to have that conversation?"

"Poe is good at talking you into things," Hera said, reaching across the space between their chairs and squeezing his forearm. "And I just—I don't want you to do any _stuff_ you're not comfortable with. And I don't want you ending up with a broken heart." 

Jacen smiled over at his mom, reaching to cover her hand with his. "I promise, no broken hearts here. And I was very much on board with everything—with everything we decided—" Jacen kept tripping over his words, trying to figure out an honest way of saying, 'The sex was amazing it was the unplanned matrimony I'm not so happy about,' without traumatizing both of them and revealing his secret. 

"Say no more," Hera said quickly. "I don't need or want the details of your sex life." She squeezed his arm and withdrew her hand. "You're both adults now, and you get to make your own choices. I just—I'm your mom, and I worry." 

Jacen knew his mom would turn the galaxy upside-down for him. She wanted him happy and thriving and was willing to do whatever she needed in order to make that happen. "I know. Thanks."

Later that night, safely in the comfort of his own room, Jacen reached into his pocket and pulled out the Ramsu wedding ribbon. He wasn't sure why he had stopped Poe from slicing it open. It just felt disrespectful. Jacen ran his thumb over the red silk. He should throw it away. If his mom found it, there was a decent chance she'd recognize it, and that would be a hard one to explain away. 

Jacen looked over at the incinerator chute. Something in his chest twisted. Following an instinct he didn't understand and couldn't justify, he carefully folded the ribbon up and hid it inside a pair of socks. 

He felt better, knowing it was safe. 

* * *

Jacen didn't see Poe much over the next year. They were both excruciatingly busy—Poe adjusting to a life full of classrooms and schedules and military discipline, Jacen with the Ghost's usual edge-of-legality galactic problem solving. 

Still, they had always been long-distance friends, and had always connected easily no matter how many months or years went by between their meetings. Adding accidental nuptials and intentional blowjobs hadn't changed that. 

"It's hard," Poe admitted, fiddling with his necklace, one late-spring night when Jacen had been able to steal away to Chandrilla for a few days. He turned Shara's ring over and over in his hand as he and Jacen walked down the beach near the academy, accompanied by the sound of gentle waves. "Harder than I expected it to be. I figured, I'm a crack pilot, I've got this." 

Poe tucked the ring back under his shirt and looked up at Jacen. He was almost fragile in the moonlight, which bathed his skin a dusty blue and glittered in his deep, dark eyes. He looked beautiful, and tired. One part of Jacen wanted to wrap him up in a blanket and keep him safe; the baser part of his brain wanted to tumble Poe down to the dunes and wrap him up in Jacen. 

Jacen ignored both those instincts and went with comfort. "You are a crack pilot." 

"Yeah, but I'm not _flying_. I won't even fly for another year! It's all vectors this and engine mechanics that and learning about different types of clouds." Poe threw his hands to the sky in mournful supplication. "Jacen. There are _so many clouds_." 

"There are so many clouds," Jacen affirmed. 

Poe sighed. 

"You regret going?" Jacen asked. 

"No!" Poe said quickly. "Not at all. I want to fly for the New Republic. And—yeah, I know all this gruntwork is going to make me a better pilot. I hate it, but it will. It's just…hard." Poe listed to the side, his shoulder pressing up against Jacen's. "I'm glad you're here. It's nice to take a break."

"I'm glad I'm here too," Jacen said, leaning into Poe as well. "I missed you too." 

"So," Poe said with studied nonchalance. "Have you found a special someone out there? I—um, not that I…I don't mind! I'm just trying to figure out if, you know, we're going to need to divorce, and, uh…" 

"I could have sworn you mastered speech years ago. Sentences, you know them?" Jacen said, unable to help his urge to tease. 

"Speech, sure, but realizing halfway through a thought that my accidental husband might consider dating other people cheating, and trying to reassure him that I didn't think it was cheating and was completely fine if he hooked up with other people but also ask him if he's interested in skinnydipping with a side of handjobs, is slightly more complicated!" 

"Skinnydipping?" Jacen asked, looking out at the ocean. 

"Showing your excellent selective listening skills, huh Syndulla? Yes, the water's great and I want to touch you again. But what about the rest of it?" 

"Um." Jacen frantically replayed the conversation in his head, trying to focus on the non-skinnydipping part of Poe's concerns. "No one else. But also, not cheating?" Jacen shook his head. "Our marriage is just…data in a console, more than anything else. So, yeah, I hope you're…having fun, you know, whatever that looks like." 

A strange expression darkened Poe's face, but it was only there for an instant before Poe said, "Whew," and drew his hand across his brow in exaggerated relief. "That's good! I definitely have been. 'Having fun.' Sometimes. Not often, school is the most important, but…" Poe shrugged. "You know." 

Jacen chuckled. "I really don't. Living on a ship with my mom really cuts down on the casual sex opportunities. But that's not—live your life, Poe. And let me know if you change your mind about getting divorced." 

"To be honest, dorms aren't much better on the privacy front." Poe brightened as he angled himself toward Jacen. "Alright, so, just to recap: one, we are both okay with the other person getting into a relationship. Two, right now neither of us have one of those. Three, the water is warm and we're alone." 

"Excellent summary. I see your note-taking skills have really blossomed here," Jacen joked, feeling heat start churning in his belly and prickles across his tongue. 

"What do you say?" Poe asked, tilting his head and leaning in. 

In response, Jacen smiled and stripped off his shirt. Poe laughed, took Jacen's hand, and lead them both down to the warm, dark water. 

* * *

Jacen's marriage to Poe may have been a technicality, but it was also, technically, the longest relationship of his life. When he spent too long thinking about that, he started to get uneasy. He thought about the ribbon, still hiding in his sock drawer, with an aching sense of guilt. This whole thing was complicated. If it went wrong, it would be messy. 

But as soon as he got to be around the living, breathing, reality of Poe, those thoughts evaporated. It never felt complicated, or messy. They were apart for long stretches—but as soon as they got together their easy friendship kicked in, and as soon as they were alone they got each other naked.

It was fun, it was probably ill-advised. Which, come to think of it, described just about all their ventures since Jacen was eight and Poe was six. No wonder this felt so comfortable, Jacen thought, looking at the curve of Poe's back, sticking out from between the hotel sheets. 

He reached out and ran his fingers down the knobs of Poe's spine. They were familiar territory now; Jacen had mapped their dips and slopes. The cartography of Poe was no mystery to him. 

Poe's twenty-first birthday was in five months. They'd be able to get divorced. It wouldn't change anything, but Jacen still felt an uneasy twist in his stomach as he thought about going up to the clerk and placing his thumb on the datapad, adding official approval to dissolve his and Poe's union. It was only ever a drunken mistake, a clerical notation, but somewhere along the way it had gained significance. 

Jacen gave a heavy sigh. He had never thought of himself as a romantic but…here he was. He scooted closer to Poe, cuddling up next to him.

Poe gave a happy grunt and wiggled backwards, putting himself more securely in Jacen's arms. "You seem serious," he said sleepily. "Wanna talk about it?" 

"Just a little melancholy," Jacen answered, mostly honestly. "It'll pass." 

Poe turned in his arms, so he could look Jacen in the face. "It's bad out there, isn't it?" he said, an uncommon solemnity to his expression as he reached up a finger and traced it lightly under Jacen's left eye. "I feel like the circles under your eyes get deeper each time I see you." 

Jacen was struck by the idea that Poe had made his own study of Jacen's topography. Knowing and known. Typical, for anyone who made up the crew of the Ghost. Unheard of, for anyone outside its hull. As always, Poe proved himself the exception. 

Jacen caught Poe's wrist and brought his hand down to his lips, pressing a kiss against the pads of Poe's index and middle fingers. "There's a lot to worry about. I don't need to dump it on you. You're going into midterms." 

Poe rolled his eyes, then rolled himself away from Jacen, holding his hand up between them and extending his index finger. "The rising centralization of power in the Core Worlds." Poe's middle finger joined his first. "The rising seperatist sentiments among planets that feel neglected." Poe extended his ring finger. "Influences from unknown forces that are preying on the outer rim planets." Pinkie joined the rest. "And no official military response." Poe's thumb went out, his fingers spreading wide. "Which means that contractor crews like the Ghost have to do more and more with less support. It's not sustainable." 

Jacen gave Poe a lopsided smile. "Don't tell me they're actually teaching that at the academy." 

Poe pressed his spread fingers against Jacen's chest. "No. But I've been watching you my whole life. And I make friends with the interesting professors. They'll share their more controversial opinions and analysis outside the classroom." 

Jacen covered Poe's hand with his. "You're pretty spot-on, from what I see. It's getting worse. And I'm not sure how to fix it."

"Just hang in there a couple more years, and I'll be out there too. I'm sure between the both of us, we'll work it out." 

"I love your confidence," Jacen said, the words slipping out before he could think them through. That was more intimate than he and Poe let themselves get. 

"And I love your care," Poe answered easily, and the words hit Jacen like a kick in the teeth. He was still reeling as Poe curled toward him again, resting his forehead against Jacen's sternum. "You always consider things. Always want to get it right. But you worry too much. Just be with me for a bit." 

"Yeah," Jacen said, his throat thick with emotion as he tugged Poe closer. "I'll work on that." 

* * *

"Did you have a _nice time_ with Poe?" Hera asked, too sweet, as Jacen walked back up the ship ramp after checking out of their hotel and wishing Poe good luck with his midterms. 

"Yes," Jacen said, a little sharply. 

"Just checking," Hera said, slapping his shoulder as he walked past her. "Still no broken heart?" 

Jacen rolled his eyes. "Still no broken heart," he echoed back, only wondering after the words came out if they were true. 

It was distinctly possible he was getting in over his head. 

"Uh-huh," Hera said dubiously. "Well, I won't argue with you right now, because we're going on a wild bantha chase. Or rather, a wild purrgil chase." 

"Purrgil?" Jacen asked, looking over at his mom. "Is this about…?" 

"Ezra," Sabine said, pushing her way into the room. Jacen brightened to see his unofficial aunt, the woman who had been his brightly-colored mentor for as long as he could remember. Getting older hadn't done anything to mute her sense of style. Today, she was sporting pastel pink hair, which darkened into a rich maroon near the tips. 

"Aunt Sabs!" Jacen said, turning and holding out his arms.

"Hey kiddo!" Sabine crossed the space between them in three long strides and picked Jacen up to spin him around. Jacen had been taller than her for a good five years, but it had never stopped Sabine's enthusiasm for manhandling him, or her ability to do so. 

She set him down, and Jacen staggered around dramatically, enjoying making Sabine laugh. He caught sight of the robed figure in the doorway, and quickly tried to right himself. Of course, that process made him actually stumble, until he caught a wall and straightened. He clasped his hands in front of him and gave a little bow. "Ahsoka." 

Ahsoka smiled as she came into the room, bowing to him in return. "It's good to see you, Jacen. I'm glad we're taking this trip together." 

Hera sighed. "Off to go stare at dangerous wildlife." 

"And maybe find Ezra. Don't forget that part," Sabine said quickly, nudging Jacen with her elbow. 

"Of course," Hera said, inclining her head with a sad smile.

Jacen's life had been full of blank spaces where people should be. Common, for all the kids growing up in the aftermath of the war. Missing parents, aunts, grandparents, brothers, sisters, lovers. The two largest holes in the tapestry of his past were the father that had died before he was born, and the sort-of brother he never met. He knew them as ghosts through the memories of people that loved him. 

And sometimes as literal ghosts. The Force was weird. Jacen was pretty sure the fuzzy memories he had of softly glowing blue hands stroking his hair were real. He'd heard his mom, too, talking in the common room after she thought he'd gone to sleep, and could have sworn there was a low voice echoing her. 

But while his father was definitely dead, dubiously still-around, Ezra was...more of a mystery. Swept away by purrgil, never to be heard from again. Sabine was sure that Ezra was still alive out there, and she and Ahsoka had spent Jacen's entire life off-and-on looking for him. 

Hera had always been more tempered in her hope. 

"I know how much you like purrgil," Jacen said to his mom, deflecting the conversation away from that small contention of sad truth. "You must be _so excited_." 

Hera rolled her eyes. "I'm thrilled to get to spend time with Ahsoka and Sabine. It's been too long." 

"It has," Ahsoka said warmly. "What…three years? Four?" She turned, pinning Jacen with a serious look. "I wonder, have you practiced meditation at all since then?" 

"I've...some. You know, every...two—three…" Jacen made a wavy back and forth hand. "I could probably use more practice," he amended, looking down at his feet. 

Ahsoka laughed. "Then we'll practice." 

Ahsoka had never pressured him to develop his latent Jedi talents. Jacen hadn't wanted to, and Ahsoka was happy to keep their lessons limited to the sorts of meditation exercises that would help keep his skills from hurting anyone else. Still, he always felt like he was letting her down with his apathy. 

He just couldn't bring himself to care. He didn't want to be able to look into people's minds, to influence their thoughts. The Force was the legacy of his dead father, who had trained his missing brother, who was the reason his aunt kept disappearing. The Force made people leave, and it was better left to Luke Skywalker and the New Republic's various bright lights. Jacen was happy in the shadows. 

But it was a part of his legacy, whether he wanted it or not. So he let Ahsoka sit him down and take him through the basic meditation practices again. It was all about building a shield around himself—about knowing intimately what was him, and what was other. Ahsoka explained that at the old Jedi temple, they'd use that as a basis to throw their will out into the universe. It worked just as well in reverse, keeping the universe from creeping in.

Jacen fell into the old breathing patterns as the Ghost drifted through hyperspace. Jacen could feel his shields of self rebuilding. He had gotten more off-balance than he'd realized, and he felt himself settle under Ahsoka's gentle instruction.

"Thank you," Jacen said, when the meditation drew to a close. "I needed that."

"I know," Ahsoka said, a hint of reprovel in her voice.

"Sorry," Jacen ducked his head as that familiar twinge of shame rolled over him. "I'll do better at staying on top of it, this time."

"Jacen," Ahsoka said gently, reaching out to catch him under the chin and bring his eyes up toward hers. "I don't care if you ever use your powers."

"I know!" Jacen protested quickly. "It's just—"

"Jacen." Ahsoka cut him off as she pressed a little more firmly against his chin. "We last had this conversation when you were seventeen. I know you've grown since then. New experiences, new...relationships?"

Jacen felt heat flood his face, and jerked his chin away from her hold, and he looked off to the side. He was never sure how much Ahsoka could pick up from the Force, but he really hoped she didn't pick up— 

"Don't worry, I didn't pull that out of your mind. Hera told me," Ahsoka said dryly. "I mention it to show that I know I'm speaking to you as an adult, not a child. And I would ask you to listen the same way."

Jacen looked up to find Ahsoka watching him with a serious, unflinching gaze. Jacen lifted his chin and did his best to meet it.

"You will never be without your Force sensitivity. It is a part of you, and hiding from it is useless. If you ignore it entirely, it will creep up in unexpected ways, and you would be unable to handle it. Meditation is not a trap to lead you down a path you're trying to avoid. It is the best tool I have to ensure that you are able to live the life you want. Whether or not you choose to engage with your powers...I want you to be the one making that choice." 

Jacen nodded. "I understand. And thank you. I promise I will be better at meditating."

Ahsoka shook her head. "Jacen," she said, softly affectionate. "I am so proud of you. I know...I know what it's like to grow up well-loved, but with tremendous responsibility placed on you. From what I can see, you are handling it very well." Ahsoka leaned forward and kissed his forehead.

"Ah," Jacen said, embarrassed but not wanting to pull away. "It's not so bad."

"It isn't. But still, keep up the good work." Ahsoka stood as she said that, looking toward the front of the ship a second before the hyperspace debarkation alert went off. "And we're here," she said, just a little smugly, holding out her hand to help Jacen to his feet.

"You keep being cool like that, and I might actually want to use the Force." Jacen took her hand and hauled himself upright.

"It's your choice," Ahsoka said with a little grin.

* * *

From what Jacen understood from Sabine, what made this pod of purrgil different from all the different pods of purrgil was an energy signature. There was something in its makeup that echoed something that might be Ezra, basically. Jacen didn't really grasp the details, but he did get that this was the best lead they had in years. The excitement was palpable. (Even Hera, despite herself, poured over the results from the scanner with growing enthusiasm.)

"They really are beautiful," Jacen said, mostly to himself, looking through the transparisteel viewport at the shimmering pod. He was hanging back from the nitty-gritty of the computer readouts. He cared about Ezra, but in a more abstract way. He didn't need to muscle himself between his mom and Sabine, who were chattering back and forth over the implications of the readouts.

"They are," Ahsoka said, looking up from where she stood, supervising over Sabine's shoulder. She walked over to Jacen and stood next to him. "We've spent so long studying their habits and movements, I forget to just stand back and watch them." Ahsoka paused, tilting her head as she looked from one purrgil to another. "Hm." 

"Hm?" Jacen asked.

"You see the ones with the shorter front-tentacles? The pod is usually made up of several of them, they're the...singers, for lack of a better term. And the one, over there, with the longer tendrils? They're the, uh, let's call them bodyguards."

"I appreciate you dumbing this down for me," Jacen said seriously.

"It's just, there are usually a few different bodyguard units and I only see one—" Ahsoka's head snapped up to stare at the blank bulkhead behind them, and Jacen may not know purrgil biology, but he understood threat assessment. He was already up the ladder and into the cockpit when Ahsoka said, "I think there's—"

Jacen threw the Ghost into a hot start and flared the thrusters.

"Jacen what—" Hera called from below as Sabine let out an undignified yelp.

"Brace for—" Ahsoka started to yell, before the ship gave an all-over shudder as _something_ massive rammed into it.

No two guesses needed for what that something was. Jacen poured on the power, trying to keep the Ghost from being an easy target. He threw the ship into a tight spin, over and down, only to ricochet off another of the bodyguard-type purrgil. Jacen muttered a curse and tried to keep the ship steady, twisting again.

"Try flying with the purrgil," Hera gasped, as she flew up the cockpit ladder herself.

"What are you—buckle in," Jacen snapped. He narrowly avoided a grasping tentacle. "They're attacking us! There is no 'with' only _away!_ " Jacen dove this time, managing to get under one of the massive bodies. A tentacle whipped out and an awful crack sounded behind him that he tried not to think about too much. Can only fix the ship if you survive the thing that's trying to kill it in the first place.

Jacen looked down at the radar, and growled, smacking his palm against it.

"Hey," Hera said as she clicked her harness closed. "No percussive maintenance."

"The sensors aren't working! How am I supposed to dodge the thing if I don't—" A tentacle whipped past his window and Jacen narrowly avoided a hit, swinging around right into another purrgil. "I don't even know how many there are!" he snarled.

"Sabine!" Hera called over her shoulder. "I need you to check the sensor line!" To Jacen, as she frantically flipped through readouts, she added, "I don't think there's anything wrong with the equipment. It's all reading as intact. It might be the purrgil themselves."

"Right, guess we're doing this by sight, then," Jacen said, and tried once more to get himself out of the box of tentacles and bodies. Unfortunately, their interaction seemed to draw more attention, and more and more purrgil wound up in the area. Jacen danced the Ghost under one purrgil, over another, and then pointed the nose at open space. Just as he gunned the thrusters to take him out of the mass of bodies, a huge form rose up and over the viewscreen.

"Ah—sh—" Jacen snarled as he tried to decelerate, making it halfway through a smugglers turn before the tentacles of the purrgil's tail wrapped around the nose of the ship. Jacen pushed the thrusters again. No give. They were held fast. "I think we're going to need to shoot our way out."

"No! These things are our best lead to Ezra," Sabine called from behind. "Do _not_ shoot them!"

"They might not give us a choice!" Hera called.

"No shooting!"

"What do those lights mean?" Jacen cut in, noticing the way blue lights started to pulse down the tentacle lying across the viewport.

"The what?" Sabine called.

"Oh no," Hera said. "Quick, fire up the guns, we need to get out—" 

With a sudden pulse that vibrated through the hull of the ship into Jacen's teeth, everything shuddered, then the skies around them vanished into black, smeared with stars.

* * *

"Okay," Hera said, rubbing her temple. "To recap, we are now hurtling through hyperspace, but our sensors are telling us it's not quite hyperspace, because the purrgil have their own strange relationship to the laws of physics. They're hauling us to parts unknown, along no navigation path we recognize. We don't know where the purrgil is going, or why it's going there. Did I miss anything?"

"It's got a pretty solid grip on us," Jacen added. "I don't think we're at risk for major hull damage, but we're going to have some dents, for sure."

"Well, we know some things about the pod," Sabine offered. "They're migratory, and they're going...somewhere."

"Narrows it down. Helpful," Jacen said, letting his sarcasm show.

"It's very difficult to trace purrgil migratory patterns," Ahsoka cut in. "As we know better than just about anyone. It sounds like trying to break free at this point would be catastrophic. So we're going to have to let the purrgil go where they are going, and deal with the result when we get there."

"As always, the voice of reason. Thank you Ahsoka." Hera sighed. "Alright, one person in the pilot's seat at all times, we'll rotate through the assignment until we pop out of hyperspace. Not too much more we can do, right now. Rest up so we can deal with what's on the other side."

There were nods all around, and Jacen was relieved from the pilot's seat by his mom.

"Good flying," Hera said.

"Not good enough," Jacen replied, scrubbing a hand through his hair.

Hera shrugged. "You kept us alive. Good enough." She reached over and squeezed his wrist. "Get some rest, kiddo."

Jacen nodded and left the cockpit. He wound up in the privacy of the forward gunner's perch, abandoned for the moment, watching the streaked lines of stars around the tentacle crossing the viewport. Jacen sighed as he placed his hand against the transparisteel. He was suddenly having a very bad feeling that he wasn't going to be able to get back to Poe in a few months like they'd planned for their finally parent-free divorce.

Well, that was the way it went, sometimes, Jacen mused as he watched the little condensation fog form where his warm skin touched the cool transparisteel. Circumstances changed. You had to adapt. The only question was...what would be waiting for them when they dropped out of hyperspace?

Various answers danced through his imagination, each more fanciful than the last. Jacen shook his head. He needed sleep. And maybe some meditation before bed.

* * *

It was three days before the purrgil dropped them out of the strange not-quite-hyperspace. Ahsoka was on piloting duty, and her normally-calm tones echoed over the Ghost's intercom, a little too high and nervous-sounding. "Um, if everyone could gather up we're...somewhere."

When Jacen got to a viewport, he could see the source of Ahsoka's uncertainty. They were in some sort of planet's atmosphere, amidst high swirling gas. The purrgil drifted, now slow and content, looking like they were grazing through clouds.

"Well, I guess we go...down?" Sabine hazarded, pointing at the ground visible through the drifting blue-green clouds. "Get a lay of the land?"

"Or up," Jacen offered. "See if we can map the stars, figure out where we are."

"Down," Hera decided, as she nudged Ahsoka out of the pilot seat. "The purrgil are above us, and I'd like to know what our landing options are before potentially needing to fight our way through."

The landscape was unique, even to Jacen's traveled eye: Stark white grass layered over rolling hills and cliffs, occasional rocky outcroppings shone deep blue and purple. It was hypnotic, and Jacen was transfixed by the way the grasses waved in the wind. He blinked, trying to focus on an anomaly in the undulating white. "Mom, over there—"

"I see it."

As they got closer, it became clear that the anomaly was a little town. The blue-purple stones formed a cobbled path from house to house and terraced crop fields ran along the hillside . After a quick check to make sure the atmosphere was breathable, they set the ship down a little ways outside the town, and disembarked.

They didn't have far to walk, with the white reed-like grass whistling around their calves, before they met the welcoming committee, three aliens of three different species—two adults and what looked to be a child. Jacen didn't recognize any of their forms. This sent an uneasy prickle up the back of his neck, as he looked from face to face. There was plenty in the galaxy he hadn't seen, but these days it was rare to see three strange faces at once. 

The child tugged at the shirt of one of the adults, gesturing as the three of them got closer. It was very enthusiastically pointing at Jacen, and then Sabine. The adult on the child's left made a negating noise, looking at Jacen while they pointed first to the side of their head, then at Sabine as they pointed to the top. The child squinted back at them, then sighed. 

"Hello," Hera tried in Galactic Basic, once they got close enough to speak. 

The child's face lit up again, and in a warbling Basic they responded, "I knew it! You're human!"

"Well, she is," Hera said, pointing at Sabine. 

The child ran past Hera and parked themselves in front of Sabine. "I like human!" 

One of the adults fished a small electronic device out of a pocket and held it to their mouth, rattling off a complicated string of syllables in no language Jacen knew. His unease with the situation grew.

The device crackled, and from it came a voice speaking unaccented Basic. "More humans? That hasn't happened in a long time! I'll be right down." 

Jacen was still trying to figure out if the (probably) human voice on the other end of the line was reassuring or more disturbing, when he noticed the shocked expression on the others' faces. 

"Ez—Ezra?" Sabine called toward the comm, her voice trembling as she spoke.

The comm was silent for a long time, before it cracked on and the same voice responded, rushed and tremulous, "Sabine?" 

* * *

They all sat around a table in a little cabin that apparently belonged to the long-lost Ezra Bridger. Jacen got more and more uncomfortable during the reunion, witnessing the charged emotion between his mom and Ezra, the long tearful reunion hug with Sabine. Even _Ahsoka_ started tearing up. 

"Promised I'd find you," Ahsoka said, her voice thick. "Sorry it took me so long." 

Jacen felt like he should be feeling _something_ but he had no idea what. Blank space in his childhood, now given form, in a bronze-skinned, blue-eyed man in his late thirties. He had long grey-streaked black hair pulled back in a ponytail, he had a lightsaber on his hip, he was a stranger. 

But he was a stranger that got teary-eyed when he looked at Jacen and breathed, "Oh, Force, you look so much like him." And then Jacen's mom started sobbing, and the only way Jacen could think to respond was a lopsided smile and, "Yeah, I've heard," and then Ezra started crying and Jacen just wanted to run. 

He didn't run. He went over and sat next to his mom, who was wiping her eyes and apologizing. He sat and he listened as the tearful reunions continued. The people he loved were happy, and Jacen could be happy for them. 

It was hard to keep that resolution, though, when Ezra explained what his life had looked like. In short, the purrgil had dragged him here, and Ezra had found this little enclave full of wanderers from across the stars—across galaxies, probably. The stars here didn't match any map, and when the folks here tried to paint their nighttime sky, it never matched up to anyone else's experience. Ezra didn't know where he was, and he didn't know how to get home. And he had been trying for the last twenty years. 

Jacen's head started swimming, as Sabine and Hera and Ahsoka kept asking questions and saying how _good_ it was to see Ezra. Didn't they hear? Ezra was trapped here. And now they were all trapped with him. 

But no, they didn't seem to see or hear, and Jacen felt so anxious he was going to crawl out of his skin. He stood up, mumbled something about needing to use the 'fresher, and as soon as eyes and attention were off of him he slipped out the front door. He walked away from Ezra's cabin, away from the little village, up the ramp of the Ghost. Home. 

It was still here. That was the thing to remember. They may be lost, but they still had home. Jacen's home had always been this ship, no matter the place it was located. He ran his fingers along the bulkhead as he went back to his room. Maybe this would be okay. Just one more place to be at home. 

Jacen stopped at his dresser, and reached into it, finding and unfolding the sock that had kept the Ramsu marriage band safe. The fabric tumbled out over his fingers, as vibrant and smooth as the day he accidentally pledged himself to Poe.

Poe. 

No matter where the Ghost had gone, there had always been Poe, not too far away. Jacen never missed Poe, but Jacen had always been sure he'd see Poe again. He didn't have that certainty now, and for some reason that thought, more than anything else, made it feel like the walls were closing in. 

Jacen took a deep breath and crumpled the ribbon to his chest. He couldn't—he couldn't. Jacen took a gasping breath, and it came out as a sob. He missed Poe. He might never see Poe again, and what—

Jacen might not have thought that Poe was really his husband, but Poe was definitely his _something_. He should have told Poe. He should have realized it himself. But Poe's tantalizing ideas and troublemaker grin had become a part of the bedrock of Jacen's life without Jacen ever really realizing it. And now it was gone. 

Jacen curled up on himself and cried.

He was interrupted later (how much later, he had no idea, it could have been hours, it could have only been a few minutes) by the soft hiss of his door sliding open. "Hey, baby," his mom said from the doorway. "I brought some water." 

Jacen reluctantly uncurled himself, fighting the urge to hide the ribbon behind his back. "Mom, I'm just…"

"Realizing we're far from everything we know and love and dealing with weird emotions about your dad?" Hera guessed, as she stepped into the room and held out the glass. 

Jacen hesitated, then reached out and took it. "More the first," he said, wincing at how raw his voice sounded. Jacen tried for casual as he said, "I'm sure the weird dad emotions are lurking, though. Thanks for the heads up, I'll be on the lookout." 

Hera gave a rough laugh. "Happy to help. You, uh, want some company, or do you want to be alone a little longer?" 

"Company's fine," Jacen answered. "But I don't—you guys are all happy and I know you've been trying to find him for forever and—" Jacen had to stop his sentence when another hitched sob tried to make its way out of his chest. He sat back down on his bunk, took a slow breath, and drank some of his water. 

"But you don't really know him," Hera said, sympathetic. "So you're seeing everything we've lost _and_ dealing with the people you love getting all weird and weepy. I'm so sorry, baby." She came over and sat next to him, and rubbed his back. 

Jacen leaned against her and took a deep breath, inhaling the familiar smell of Mom. That scent and this touch had always meant safety and comfort, and Jacen felt himself relax. 

"What's that in your hand?" Hera asked after a moment. 

No point in hiding it now. He was pretty sure his promise to Poe to keep it a secret no longer applied. 

He lifted his hand for his mom's inspection. "It's a Ramsu wedding band."

"Uh-huh. Gotta admit, of all the options I was not expecting that. So, _why_ do you have a Ramsu wedding band?" 

"Because I'm married." Jacen straightened up and gave his mother a matter-of-fact nod. "To Poe Dameron."

He had to admit, he took a certain vicious pleasure in how stunned his mom looked. Jacen felt unmoored and adrift and he just wanted someone else to feel as confused as he was.

Hera blinked slowly. "Um, okay, um…" 

Jacen's pleasure faded, and in its wake sat guilt. Jacen quickly explained, "It's really a…technicality. Poe's graduation. We got drunk, we woke up married. We found out getting divorced would require notifying our parents." Jacen shook his head. "It felt really important at the time that you guys not know. So we just stayed married. It wasn't a serious thing." 

Jacen felt his eyes burn, and a moment later, his mom's thumb traced over his cheek. "Sweetheart. I think it might be more serious than you're letting on." 

"I think I love him," Jacen sniffed, looking away. "Hell of a time to realize it. I'm sorry, I know…I know you've never really liked him."

"Jacen Caleb Jarrus-Syndulla, do you really think I would have shuttled you halfway across the galaxy to hang out with this kid at least once a year through your whole childhood if I didn't like him?" 

"Uh…" Jacen tilted his head. 

"You're my son, and I adore you, and I'm so proud of you. You've always fought to be taken seriously, and to be worthy of responsibility. And then you get around Poe and you turn into the dumbest possible version of yourself. Getting accidentally married is exactly the sort of disaster I'd expect you two to get into. And I love it." 

"You…love it?" 

"Yeah, kiddo. I've always loved how happy you were around him. And I'm not surprised to hear you love him. I think you've loved him some kind of way since he was a six-year-old with a missing front tooth that talked you into joyriding." 

"Probably," Jacen said, as he examined his life again, through this new lens. And there was Poe, at the center. Not at the center of what Jacen had done, or where he had gone, but in the center of who he was. "He's always made me feel brave." 

"That's a good way of putting it. I—" Hera's voice choked up, and Jacen looked over at her in horror to realize she was crying. "I'm so sorry I took you away from him. I didn't even ask if you wanted to go, I just—" 

"No," Jacen said firmly, wrapping his mom up in a hug. "No, we're not going there, we're not doing that. I'm your right hand. I'm your copilot. You didn't ask because you didn't need to, we're in this mess together." 

His mom cried a little bit longer against his chest, and Jacen cried too. 

"We are in this together," Hera said, once the sobs and died down and she and Jacen untangled again. She wiped at her eyes, and fixed him with a firm look. "We're in this together, and we're getting out of this together. You, me, Ahsoka, Sabine, Ezra, Chopper…we're a good crew, and we're smarter together." 

"Okay," Jacen said, feeling the prickling anxiety in his chest settle a bit. "Okay. We'll figure this out." 

"We will. And then you'll get back to your husband, so you can maybe tell him that you love him and maybe get divorced." 

Jacen couldn't help but laugh at the ridiculousness of that statement. "Maybe both!" he said, a hysterical giggle rising in his chest. 

"Maybe both," Hera agreed, giving into the giggle herself. "Ah, okay, come on, let's pull ourselves together. Are you up for emerging to meet Ezra? Properly? After you vanished we both realized that we just sort of cried and never really introduced you." 

Jacen pressed his palms against his face and took a deep breath. "Yeah. Okay. I can do this." Jacen pulled his hand back and looked down at the wedding band, still wrapped around his right hand. He looked over at the dresser, and found that he didn't want to put it away. It wasn't a secret anymore. 

Hera seemed to catch his hesitation. She held out her hand. "Can I…" 

Jacen unwound the ribbon from his hand and offered it to her. "Don't cut it." 

"I know," Hera gave him a dismissive wave. She doubled it over on itself, and started weaving some sort of knot-braid. "Bend," she ordered when she finished, holding it up to his neck. 

Jacen obediently ducked his head, and Hera checked the length around his neck, made a satisfied noise, and tied it off. She reached up and made sure it fit over his head, "How's that?" 

Jacen nodded, not trusting himself to speak. Hera fussed with the ribbon, until it sat around his neck. "There. May it remind us both what we have to get back to." 

"I don't see how it's a reminder for you. I can't believe you're really excited about getting a sort-of son-in-law?" 

"I am _so_ excited, because this is prime material to tease you with for the _rest of your life_. But, it would just be cruel to do that before you're reunited. So we're going to get back home, and then I am never going to let you live this down." 

Jacen couldn't help his guilty, inappropriate giggle. "You get us back, and you'll have earned it." He took a breath. "Alright, I'm feeling better. Let's go, and you can properly introduce me to Ezra, and then we can all figure out how to get home again." 


	3. Collected Audio Logs of Jacen Syndulla

###### Log 1

"Testing—ah, is this recording? Let me just…" 

###### Log 2

"Okay, it's working. And encrypted. Good." 

"So…ah, I'm bad at this."

"So, under the advisement of—that is to say, Ahsoka thought I should take some time to speak. Talk. Record my—I can't—"

"This isn't working. I can't just monologue. This is awful. I'm stopping."

###### Log 3

"Okay! One more time. Ahsoka thought I should tell my thoughts _to_ someone, not just a recorder. I agreed to give it a try, but the only person I ever want to come anywhere close to listening to these is…me. So. Hi, future Jacen."

"If you're listening to this, and you're not future Jacen, and you don't have future Jacen's permission, please stop immediately. These are really just for me. Alright, with that out of the way…" 

"So…how's it going, future me? I can tell you that, right now, things are _pretty_ miserable. I hope…I don't know, I hope you remember this as a distant memory? That by the time you get around to listening to these the problems are all fixed and we're home again. That's a nice thought. Feels impossible right now, though." 

"I'm recording this because I had a tiny emotional breakdown. Barely worth mentioning. I'm fine. Really." 

"I guess I can't actually lie to you, future Jacen. After all, you lived it too. Okay, so, I spiralled, hard, and it turns out that when you lock yourself in the room for two days and do nothing except stare at the ceiling in blank despair, Ahsoka stops being the nice mentor and starts laying down the law. So now we're on mandatory meal and socialization time. And this…supposed to be for processing? I guess? We'll see." 

"It just seems so pointless. We're never getting home again. There's no—"

"—sorry, needed a moment. We're just…we're in _another galaxy_. The purrgil moved through hyperspace completely differently than our ships do. Even if we pointed the Ghost back home and hit the lever—we don't know the route, for one, so we'd get pulverized to space dust by the first planet we ran into. And if, by some miracle, we didn't die because there are _no maps_ it would take us decades to cross that distance. It's impossible. We're never going home." 

"I'm never going to see Poe again." 

"How messed up is it, that out of everything, that's what's bothering me the most? It's dumb! It's stupid and it's childish, and there are so many other things to be worried about but…"

"What's he going to think? That's what I keep coming back to. Is he just going to think I left him? The Ghost leaves all the time. We're off doing classified things and we drop out of contact. He's never seemed worried before. How long before he worries this time? When I miss his twenty-first birthday in a few months? Half a year? A year?" 

"I hate thinking about him waiting for me. I hate knowing I'm going to let him down."

"…I think I'm done for today." 

###### Log 18

"Hi, Poe. Happy twenty-first birthday!" 

"So, this is a really dumb idea, but I've been keeping this audio log, and I just got…really depressed when I realized what today was, so I thought…I thought I'd say hi. Maybe it would help. Who knows? Maybe I'll even get it to you, someday." 

"I'm feeling a little more optimistic about that, these days. I mean, we did get dragged to another galaxy by runaway purrgil, but we also have on our team a Force sensitive empath that's spent the last ten years or so learning how to talk to them. So…maybe he can convince them to take us back? He and Ahsoka are still working on it."

"Which, um, actually leads me to another thought. What if I helped them? Actually used my Force—oh, wow, I just realized…did I ever tell you I'm Force sensitive? I honestly can't remember if it ever came up. I deliberately don't use it. I just always felt that—"

"—Whoo, okay, back, just let me edit out that hysterical laughter. I was going to say, it seemed like the Force only ever made people leave. But... _well._ Guess I managed to leave anyway, Force or no Force."

"I really miss you. It's dumb! I saw you not that long ago! I leave for longer than this on a regular basis! But…I just realized, you know, being gone, how much I've always liked knowing I get to come back to you. Maybe…" 

"Look, if I get back, maybe we'll have a talk about that, okay? You'll probably figure out how to annul the marriage by the time I get home. And that's fine, it's not really about the marriage! But if I'm not too late, if I haven't totally blown this thing with us…I think I want a chance with you. A real one." 

"I'm going to help Ahsoka and Ezra. Yeah. That feels right." 

"Happy birthday, Poe. Hope you have a good one. Thanks for being the sort of person that can pull me out of my own head, even millions of lightyears away. I miss you like I miss the sky. It's not the same here. The pattern's all wrong." 

###### Log 31

"This message goes out to everyone, everywhere. I hate the Force, I hate purrgil. That is all." 

###### Log 32

"Okay, after a few days' reflection, maybe I don't _hate_ purrgil. Hate leads to anger, anger leads to stupidity, stupidity leads to slaughtering a Jedi Temple. Or something. I maybe wasn't paying the best attention to that part of Ahsoka's lecture." 

"But I am _not_ an empath. Ezra does it as easily as talking, Ahsoka does it like a puzzle, I just get a headache that knocks me flat for two days and the vague sense that the purrgil are laughing at me."

"But, Poe, here's the thing—" 

"Huh, yeah Poe, guess this one is for you. You're the one I want to tell."

"Anyway, I think I've got a little bit of precognition. Which sounds awful, right? But it doesn't _feel_ awful. When I fly, I swear, I can just…see what's happening. And technically, I start reacting just a little bit before it actually happens. I'm a better pilot now than I've ever been, and I was _pretty_ damn good to start off with." 

"So, basically, what I'm saying is…okay, hotshot. You've had all your fancy years at the academy, now. Let's see how they hold up. You, me, X-Wings. Let's dance."

###### Log 55

"Poe! You won't believe—seven hells of Corellia, even _I_ don't believe—alright, look, you remember I told you about my newly unlocked awesome piloting skills? Well, I was taking the Phantom III out with Ezra so he could do some animal empath stuff—we've been basically trying to get them to grab us and take us places." 

"Yes, yes, I know, that's how we got in trouble in the first place. But it also seemed like the best way to get us out again." 

"You'll notice I said 'seemed'! Past tense! And that's because I am a genius. A genius who _actually saw how the purrgil flew._ I think I can use their routes!"

"Poe, it's going to be stupid, dangerous, and risky. Or, as we like to call it, fun." 

"I might get us home in time for your twenty-third birthday. Just a couple years late. Not too bad, right?" 

###### Log 56

"I…um. I should—"

"..." 

"This isn't working. I think I need to meditate. And then talk to people who can actually talk back." 

###### Log 57

"It's been a year. It's been a year and I still don't know how to talk about this. But I have to try." 

"I don't know who I'm sending this to. Poe? Future Jacen? It seems less and less likely that either of us will be listening to this. So. To whom it may concern…" 

"There are monsters hiding between galaxies." 

"The flight worked, by the way. Following the purrgil's not-quite-hyperspace routes. It almost killed me, it turns out brains are really, really not supposed to function the way the Force let mine, but it did _work_. I started working with Ahsoka and Ezra to figure out how to do it without crippling me. They charted out some of the paths, and I was able to fly them." 

"And then we found a path the purrgil take back to our galaxy. And it took a bit of training, but I reached the point that I thought I was going to be able to cross it. So we set off."

"Halfway through the trip, we were forcefully pulled out of the path. It felt like someone had placed an interdiction field along the hyperspace route. But not identical. We still don't have the words, or the science for it."

"We haven't had much time to study, truth be told." 

"What we found, when we were pulled out was…beautiful. Shimmering beings of light and an entire civilization in the dark, studded by bits of…bioluminescence? I don't know. Here's what I do know. Those shimmering forms are a lie. They hide teeth. We barely escaped alive." 

"We thought we'd go around. Find another route. But our next path found them, and the next after that. I have to assume that they follow the same routes as the purrgil. In any case, they make an effective blockade. We couldn't get through." 

"We've tried negotiation. Tried learning their language to speak with them. We made good time of it, between Chopper and Sabine. We even started to be able to intercept some of their transmissions."

"That's when the situation changed. They know about home. They've been monitoring it. I don't—I don't know what their plan is, exactly. But the intel that we've seen…they're planning an invasion. Or at least calculating the probability that an invasion will go well. And from what they're seeing, it's a mess back home. They think they've got good odds." 

"So, we sat down and talked. Keep trying to get home, and leave these monsters at our backs? Or fight the enemies here—with terrible odds, no backup, and a combat strategy that will be entirely written up on the fly?"

"It was unanimous. We are Rebels, after all." 

"We thought—well, I thought. We can get into their data, it's how we got the intel in the first place. We can probably plant something too. If this gets discovered by them, so be it, there's nothing on here that will give away our strategy. But if we fail, and if this record gets to you, whoever you are—I hope this helps. To know that we were here, we fought, and we believe in you." 

"...one more thing. A personal note. If Poe Dameron is still alive, tell him—oh, I don't know. Tell him I'm sorry. That I tried to make it home. That—you know what, this is silly. Just play this bit for him, yeah?" 

"Poe, I miss you. It seems like things are pretty bad, back there. I'm sorry I'm not there to help. I'm sorry, I don't think I'm going to make it home. But…maybe I can do this. Maybe I can keep these guys off you, long enough for you to take care of things on your end. It's a terrible bargain, but it's the best I've got." 

###### Log 379

"Okay. It's...been awhile. Hasn't it, audio log? I mean I've been recording, but I've also known I was going to piggyback those recordings onto the enemy's intel systems. Not really the same as the personal audiolog." 

"Well, I guess, victory. I feel like I should be more enthused, but I'm having trouble believing it actually happened. I thought I'd spend the rest of my life fighting them. I _did_ spend five years."

"If you've listened to the rest of the logs, you already know—they had more weapons, more tech, more bodies. It was a war of guerrilla strikes and sabotage. And we—we didn't expect to win. We're still not sure what did it. Was it interrupting their communications? Disrupting food supply? Killing a military leader?"

"There's still so much we don't know. So many holes in our intelligence…" 

"That's not the important thing. Whatever the reason, they left. We braced for them to come back with more. Been braced for…what, six months now? Somewhere around there. But we've seen no sign of them, and they abandoned plenty of long-range scanning tech." 

"So…we talked again. We now have intel that our home galaxy needs. Which means it's time to try again to get home. We have some better idea why it didn't work before. It was partially interference from our foes, and partially that the purrgil path that we charted didn't take into account…" 

"Whoo, yeah, I'm not going to get into it all here. Then this thing would be four hours long and I'll just have to say it all over again to whatever research and development team they put me in front of to debrief. This is the private thinking aloud journal." 

"So what do I need to think about?" 

"The important thing is—I'm really proud of us. Mom and Sabine and Chopper have managed to reverse-engineer utterly alien technology and stuff the Ghost full of it. Ezra and Ahsoka have refined what we know about purrgil migration to chart out a functioning map of at least three galaxies." 

"I don't know what it is; if it's the Force, the fact that I've spent my entire life piloting, or what, but strange tech and strange paths through the universe just work for me. I can fly it. I think I can get us home." 

"I'm nervous. I'm not going to show it once I step out that door. I'm leaving them all here. But here and now, I'll admit it. I'm nervous. I'm scared." 

"I left someone really important behind when we jumped galaxies. I've found a lot of comfort in imagining that he—that Poe is alive. That I could speak and he'd hear." 

"I'm so scared he's going to be dead. I'm almost as scared that he hates me now. I wouldn't blame him. I left without message or warning or ever telling him how important he was to me. I'd almost rather stay here and believe he's alive and he cares for me." 

"Almost. If this last decade has taught me anything, it's that you can't wish yourself to a better future, and reality always comes to collect its due. I'd rather face it chin up, eyes open." 

"I really hope he's alive. I can take just about anything else, I just—I want to see him again." 

"…" 

"Okay. Deep breath. Showtime." 


	4. Home

"You ready for this?" Hera called, as Jacen poked his way into the cockpit. 

"As I can be," Jacen said, swinging himself the rest of the way into the room and then sliding into the pilot's seat. 

"Don't be too excited now," Hera said sarcastically. 

Jacen rolled his shoulders. "I'm saving my excitement for when we're actually home. Right now? I need to focus."

Hera gave him a fond smile. "Alright, sir, I'll wait on harassing you about your feelings until we come out the other side."

Jacen inclined his head. "My thanks," he said with an overwrought formality, and followed it with a little wink. His mom grinned, squeezed his arm, and then returned the nav data. 

Privately, Jacen figured his mom's excitement was justified. This had a pretty good chance of working. But if he let himself start feeling hope, he'd also feel all sorts of complicated emotions that he couldn't afford to focus on at the moment. Better to let those feelings pass through him, and focus on the here and now. 

"I just want to do this right," Jacen said quietly, starting to queue in the startup sequence.

"I understand," Hera replied gently, before clearing her throat and turning back to the readouts. "Alright. Thrusters green, sublights green, hyperspace drive green, supraplasmotic-temporal-whatsit—"

"Pretty sure that's not its name."

"I built it, I get to name it. And I have no idea what the status is because it's completely untested. So we're going to say green!"

"Your optimism is noted," Jacen said calmly, starting up the supraplasmotic-temporal-whatsit drive. It growled to life in a fierce rumble that shook the ship. It didn't explode immediately, which validated Hera's optimistic assessment. 

Jacen toggled the comm on to say, "Drive coming online. Strap in if you're not already, we jump in five."

Jacen took a deep breath, one hand coming up to his chest, where the knotted red ribbon still sat under his shirt. It had lived there for ten years. Too long had passed, too much had changed, but Jacen couldn't help his impossible, stubborn hope that maybe, Poe was out there still, and maybe he'd be happy to see Jacen again. 

But now wasn't the time for speculation. Jacen took one more breath, and let all those hopes and fears alike run through and out of him. He opened his eyes, checked the navigation route one more time, fixed it in his head, then reached down and shut off the nav computer. 

"It still creeps me out every time you do that," Hera informed him.

"Uh-huh," Jacen said, only barely listening. He was already reaching out with the Force, down the shimmering lines connecting person to ship to planet to star to galaxy. The navigation map unfurled in his mind—not exactly the same as the route on the computer, but more the true essence of what that route should be. With no computer plotting his course, Jacen reached out and pulled the hyperdrive lever.

The ship lept between stars nimbly, and Jacen knew the route as another twining connection in the great web of the Force. He reached over, flipped off the safety, and it just the right moment, triggered the new drive.

They went...faster. There was probably a more elegant way of putting it. A proper Jedi mystic could say something about the shuttle's relationship to the universe changing; a scientist might spin an explanation about time and space and disrupting the relationship between them. But while Jacen had studied the Force and physics alike, at his core, he was a pilot.

They went faster. And faster. Jacen felt the map of the universe unfold, and if he had wanted to, he could have pointed the Ghost at its center and pushed until the galaxies flew past like stars. 

But Jacen wasn't trying to be an explorer, he was just trying to get home. So he discarded those potential routes, those potential futures, and instead narrowed the flight to the one possibility in the shimmering Force that pulled him toward Yavin and Chandrilla and Lothal and Mandalore and all the places and people that felt most like home. 

He could almost hear Poe's voice, calling for backup, calling him home. 

When it felt right, when it _was_ right, Jacen slipped the Ghost from the luminous paths of the universe back down to the ordinary mystery of hyperdrive. He opened his eyes again, and with a deep breath, pulled the lever, throwing them back into normal space.

Jacen looked at the stars. He knew them. _He knew them_. He had brought the Ghost home.

"Good work, kid," Hera said softly, squeezing his shoulder. "I have conn."

"Yeah," Jacen gasped, slumping down in his chair as his mind underwent the shift from being as large as the universe, to back in just his Jacen body with his Jacen neurons. He forced his desperate gulping for air into slow breaths, and settled back into meditation, re-centering his consciousness back in his body.

The first time he'd tried this sort of expanded navigation, he'd gone unconscious. He'd woken up to Ahsoka frankly informing him that she wasn't sure how he'd managed to not die. Jacen had a hunch that all his years of halfhearted meditation, his long practice of keeping himself just _himself_ was the key. No matter how far he wandered, he always knew his way home.

Or maybe that was all just mystical nonsense. The important thing was, it worked, and they were back in familiar skies.

When Jacen felt centered enough to engage with the world, he noticed they were already in hyperspace. He looked over at Hera, who was still sitting next to him, staring intently at the control panel.

"Figured out where we're headed?" 

Hera looked up with a smile. "Hey, he's back! And yes. You threw us out at the far end of the Outer Rim. I was trying to figure out why, when we picked up a transmission back in the Unknown regions. I'm not sure exactly what's happening, but something's going down, and it's big. I figure…that's probably where the Force wants us to be." 

Jacen stretched, then looked at the transmission readouts. "That is…a lot of electronic signatures." 

"We're going to be in for a party," Hera gave him a look. "You up for taking Phantom IV? I've got Chopper on aft canons, and Sabine on forward. I can get Ahsoka in here as the co-pilot; I'd rather have you in the sky. Think we're going to need the backup." 

Jacen nodded, and unstrapped himself, making his way to the attached shuttle, which over the years of war was less a shuttle, and more a very well tricked-out fighter. Jacen loved the Ghost, but the Phantom IV was his baby. "Phantom IV, online," he announced as he settled in, rolling his shoulders.

"Acknowledged. Stand by for hyperspace exit." Hera's voice came over his comm. "You'll stay docked until we assess the battlefield."

"Acknowledged," Jacen said. Protocol was protocol. But they had looked over the same readout, and they both knew that the Phantom IV would probably not stay docked. That many energy signatures usually meant ships. A lot of ships. And chances were, not all of them would be friendly. 

When they slipped out of hyperspace, Jacen realized he was even more right than he could have imagined. He looked down with horror at his scanner, at the impossible fleet rising from the planet's surface. They all bore the menacing wedge shape of the old Imperial Star Destroyer, updated and enlarged. It was a fleet that could ruin a galaxy. 

The only thing that kept Jacen from entirely giving into despair was the equally impossible fleet on their side. Jacen blinked as he read over the sensor signatures. Smuggler freighters and trading fleets and heavily modified militia corvettes and supposedly decommissioned Rebel ships and thousands upon thousands of civilian craft. It looked like, whatever else had happened, people were showing up to fight. Jacen was dizzy with pride and worry alike. He had just made his way back to this galaxy. He didn't want to lose it now.

But then the Ghost got in range of the leading edge of enemy's TIE fighters, and there wasn't any room for those emotions. There was just the fight, here and now.

"Phantom IV, launching." 

A quick scan of the battle let Jacen know that he was useless trying to dance with the rising capital ships. But each Star Destroyer look-alike had a fleet of buzzing TIE fighters protecting it, and those, oh, _those_ Jacen could do something about. He danced his way through the fleet, battle-reflexes singing, destroying TIE after TIE and freeing up shots for the bigger allies to punch holes in the enemy's capital ships. 

Comms were spotty; there was some lightning in the air that made actually talking to his allies impossible. But it seemed like most of the friendly ships were pointed at one of the Star Destroyer look-alikes in particular. It had a large protubing satellite. Coordination for the fleet, maybe? Jacen swung the Phantom IV around and went to join that fight. 

When he got close, he heard, crackling over his comms, until a voice rang out, "I'm back on! This is our last chance. We gotta hit those cannons now!"

Jacen knew that voice. He knew that voice like he knew the rise and fall of a spine sticking out between bedsheets, like he knew the shape of a hand against his hip, like he knew the smile and laugh behind it.

Poe.

He was alive, he was here, he was leading. Of course he was. Good for him. Jacen longed to call back to him; he was _so close_. 

But distraction would get both of them killed. They had a job to do. Jacen threw his ship forward for a strafing run on the ship's cannons. One target at a time. That's the best way Jacen could help turn the tide of the war.

The cannons went down. The command ship went down. As Jacen watched in amazement, as the rest of the fleet stalled out beneath them.

It was all mop-up, now. He heard Poe whooping over the comms, yelling out congratulations to the fleet. Jacen gave a fierce smile, and threw himself back into the fray.

* * *

By the time Jacen and the Phantom IV docked with the Ghost and made it to the rendezvous point, the celebration was already in full force. It was a wall of noise and enthusiasm, people laughing, screaming, hugging. Jacen felt himself tear up. It wasn't about the battle—he had missed too much of this fight to really appreciate its end. 

But he was surrounded by _people._ Human and Twi'lek and Anzellan and a whole host of familiar shapes and figures surrounded them, and it was the first time Jacen really _knew_ they had made it home.

"Come on, Chopper," Hera declared, striding down their ramp. "Let's go find their intelligence system and hack it if we need to. I want to find out what in the black night that fleet was all about. Oh! And find their comms. Find out how Zeb and Kallus are doing with all of this."

"Yes! I'm coming too," Sabine said, scrambling after them. "Jacen?"

Jacen shook his head. "I think I just want to...take a minute. Enjoy," he gestured expansively to the crowd.

Sabine seemed to get his meaning. She nodded, ruffled his hair (which Jacen had long since given up trying to stop her from doing) and chased off after Hera and Chopper.

Jacen wandered along the edges of the crowd, just basking in the joy and the mass of people. He got swept into a couple hugs by pilots who were clearly well on their way to drunk and hugging anyone in sight. 

Jacen watched them go with bemusement. They were so young. He had spent his whole life as the youngest member on a crew, thinking someone else was young was a wholly strange experience. 

He sobered as he realized what the galaxy must have gone through, to bring such young people into the fight. And old, he thought, looking across the clearing where his mom was speaking animatedly with Lando Calrissian, and another older man with a shock of white hair and a serious expression.

But they had come together. They had done it. 

"So, if I'm hallucinating, I'd really appreciate you just letting me know," came a voice over his shoulder. 

Jacen's heart started pounding, as he turned around to find Poe Dameron, looking at him with a wary expression of hope. "Are your hallucinations usually nice enough to let you know they're fake?" Jacen shot back automatically, as his eyes rapidly took in every change on Poes form. 

Gone was the lean, barely-formed adult Jacen had once known. The Poe of yesteryear had been kinetic, always moving, always striving. This Poe sat more firmly, solid in his space and solid with himself. Like Jacen, he had grey coming into his hair and wrinkles embedded in the corner of his eyes. 

And he was still handsome to the point of distraction, which was wildly unfair. 

"Jacen," Poe said, like a long-unanswered prayer. "I thought I saw the ship, but I had just about convinced myself…" 

"No, it's us. I'm back." 

"Back from _where_?" Poe asked, his voice breaking. "You were just gone, and now—I thought you were dead! It's the only reason I could think…" 

"We were lost. I…it's a long story," Jacen said, a profound weariness hitting him at the idea of needing to put the last ten years of darkness and fight into words.

"And it's not yours to tell, right?" Poe said, some bitterness biting at the edges of his words. 

"No, it's…if you want to know, I'll tell you. But…" Jacen trailed off, making an expansive gesture at the crowds swirling around them. "I heard you over the comms. This was your fight. This was your win. Now's the time to celebrate. I'll be here when you're done." 

"Unbelievable," Poe breathed. "You're still so perfectly careful. You're still—" Poe choked off, looking up and away his eyes bright. 

Jacen took a half step toward him, arms out and palms up, acting on old instinct. It was the right one, he was relieved to find, when Poe met Jacen halfway, wrapping his arms around Jacen and pulling him into a crushing hug. "If you think," he hissed against Jacen's ear, his words made ragged with emotion. "If you—I'm not letting you leave my sight. Not until… maybe never." 

"Okay," Jacen said, holding Poe tight. He still couldn't believe that Poe was _here,_ real and solid in his arms. He reached a hand up and cradled his palm around the nape of Poe's neck, letting his fingers have the joy of stroking the fine hairs there. "I'm here. I'm not going anywhere." 

Poe jerked a little and pulled back. Jacen's arms protested the loss, he wanted so badly to hold this Poe until he was as familiar as his younger self had been. 

Poe gave him a tired smile. "Not going anywhere, for now. I guess that's as good as I've ever gotten. Come on," Poe said, jerking his head toward the crowd, "I've got some people I want you to meet." 

Jacen was reminded of that day, so long ago, when Poe hauled him through a rental house to introduce him to his dizzying array of local friends. Today, Poe took him through a crowd of orange-suited pilots. At least two of them gave significant pauses, turned to Poe, and asked again, " _The_ Jacen?" 

Poe had nodded his affirmation, a crooked smile on his face. So Poe had talked about him. It warmed Jacen's heart, knowing he had been remembered. 

After greeting the pilots, Poe moved on to the mechanics, and after chatting with the mechanics, Poe moved on to the command staff. And on, and on, hauling Jacen in his wake. 

Jacen had no hope of remembering any of the names. What he remembered, instead, was the way people talked to Poe, the way Poe talked to people. There was a sort of…respectful irreverence. Intimacy, but authority. It reminded Jacen how he was with his mom, with Ezra and Sabine and Chopper and Ahsoka. Around crew. 

Poe had found his crew, and it was an entire rebel army. Of course it was. A proud ache bloomed under Jacen's sternum. Poe was always going to be extraordinary. Jacen just wished he'd been around to see it. 

"Alright," Poe said, "Best for last...hm." Poe stopped, hands on his hips as he stared out over the crowd. 

"Hm?" Jacen asked, following his gaze to find two humans standing out by the edge of the crowd: a pale brunette deep in conversation with a man with rich brown skin. It looked serious, from the body language. 

"Not sure I want to disturb them." Tugging Jacen away from the circles of celebrating Resistance fighters, Poe added in a low undertone. "That's Finn and Rey. Finn's the other general here. Good man. Rey…she's a Jedi. Trained with Luke and Leia. She's the one that was—" Poe cut himself off. "Not my story to tell." 

"I certainly understand that," Jacen said with a lopsided smile. 

"Yeah, you would, wouldn't you," Poe smiled back. It stopped short of being a grin, and Jacen found himself a little sad, that Poe's joy wasn't as close to the surface as it once had been. Poe's face fell when he turned back toward them. "She fought a different war. I can't imagine what it was for her."

"I'll point Ahsoka at her," Jacen offered. "She's good at dealing with traumatized Force-sensitive folks." 

Poe rolled his eyes. "Of course Ahsoka was with you. We could have used her." Poe took Jacen's elbow and started walking, leading them out of the crowds, toward the green of the forest. 

"I'm sorry," Jacen said miserably, as he let himself be led. 

Poe stopped, turning to look back at Jacen. "Oh, no, you're trying to take responsibility for this too, aren't you." He stepped forward and grabbed Jacen's face between his hands, his fingers firm along the back of Jacen's neck as he said, "Stop it." 

"We did vanish," Jacen felt obligated to point out. 

"Was it on purpose?" Poe asked, his eyes still dark and serious. "Did you mean to leave?" 

Jacen closed his eyes. He couldn't handle the intensity of Poe's gaze any longer. "No." 

Poe's fingers tightened along the back of Jacen's neck, and Jacen leaned in on instinct. Poe's lips brushed against Jacen's cheek. "Then stop blaming yourself," Poe whispered, then let Jacen go. 

Jacen stumbled back a confused few steps. He had wanted—something else. Something more. But Poe had lived an entire life Jacen knew nothing about. He might not—he never was Jacen's to keep. 

Poe cleared his throat. When Jacen looked back up on him, Poe was studying him, analyzing Jacen from tip to toe. "It's weird," he finally said. "I know you, and I don't." 

"Tell me about it," Jacen said emphatically. "You just took me through"—he gestured back over to the central plaza, where the bulk of the crowd gathered—"that. They've fought a whole war with you I know nothing about. I hate that I missed it." 

"I'd like to tell you," Poe said softly. "About it. Everything. And I want to hear what you've been doing too. I just—I want to know you again." 

"I want that too," Jacen said quickly. He looked back over at the crowd again. He felt guilty taking Poe away from his people. Maybe now wasn't the time. "But…" 

"Jacen," Poe said, sounding exasperated. "I have my comm on. If they need me, they'll call. But right now, what I want to do most is spend time with my best friend who vanished for ten years, and I still don't know _why._ Does that seem reasonable to you?" 

Well, phrased like that…"I suppose so," Jacen said, smiling at Poe. "How are we going to do this? Take turns monologuing? I ask you a question, you ask me a question?" 

"I like the second one more," Poe said. "Me first. Where did you go, and why couldn't you get back?" 

"Cheater," Jacen said. "That's two questions." 

Poe stuck his tongue out, and it was so reminiscent of his younger self Jacen could practically see Poe's past and his present superimposed on each other. He shook his head slightly, before answering, "But I guess it's the same answer. We were chasing purrgil, looking for Ezra. We found them, and then they dragged us along on their hyperspace jump. We wound up in another galaxy. And, as you might imagine, that made it difficult to get home."

Poe blinked. "You're kidding me. _Another galaxy?_ "

Jacen nodded, hoping that Poe would believe him. It was a strange story, but it was a strange universe. Hopefully Poe had enough that he knew that too. 

"Of course, you overachiever. Couldn't just get lost in a nebula or something. Had to shoot for a whole _different galaxy_. Get swept away in the most dramatic way possible." 

Jacen gave a lopsided grin. "Yeah, yeah. Alright, my turn." Struck by the vastness of all the possible questions he could ask, Jacen decided to go with the most immediate. "What was that fleet we were fighting?"

Poe made a disgusted face. "Well, you remember the Emperor? Wrinkly, old, supposedly died a bit after we were born?" 

" _Supposedly?_ " 

"Yeah," Poe said, sounding very tired. 

In bits and pieces, Jacen learned Poe's story and shared his own. In return for the story of how Poe had grown increasingly frustrated by the lack of official response and joined General Organa's resistance, Jacen offered the tale of his disastrous attempts to open up a Force Bond with the purrgil. Jacen shared the strangest things he'd seen in the new galaxy in exchange for ridiculous small army shenanigans. They found their way toward more serious topics, Poe sharing how guilty he felt over every lost ship under his command, and Jacen offering his utter terror at finding himself facing an enemy in the dark space between galaxies. 

"That's so grim," Poe said, rubbing his eyes with the heels of his palms. "Thanks for taking care of them. I'd have hated to fight those things and the reborn Emperor at the same time."

"I'll take one, you take the other…" Jacen joked. It was easier to treat the horrors lightly around Poe. Everything hurt less. 

"Teamwork," Poe said, giving a wink and nodding seriously. "Oh, hey! There's the old girl!" He gestured excitedly into the clearing where the Ghost was parked. 

"Who are you calling old?" Jacen protested. 

"Jacen, I hate to break it to you, but…" 

"She is a classic, nimble lady, who never goes out of style. Also she has so much alien tech shoved inside her hull that she's practically a new ship." 

"Oh," Poe said, his eyes going bright. "This I've got to see." 

Jacen held up a finger. "We're not taking her up into the air. We were just in battle, she needs an evaluation before—" 

"Fine, fine," Poe said, holding his hands up with a smile. "Don't worry, I won't take her out for an unauthorized spin. I promise. My joyriding days are done." He paused. "My days of joyriding _in the Ghost_ are done. Really. Just want a look around. For old times sake."

"Old times sake and an appreciation for experimental drive cores." 

Poe ducked his head and gave his best impish grin. There it was. The smile that had walked Jacen into and through every kind of trouble imaginable. The one that always made Jacen feel brave. 

"Okay," Jacen said with a nod. "Let's go." 

The ship was quiet as they strolled up the ramp. Everyone else was still out partying, apparently. That suited Jacen's purposes just fine. He enjoyed walking through the ship with Poe, pointing out new modifications and reminiscing. They talked about childhood games of chase and impromptu races. And, of course, the first time they had met.

"I thought you were the coolest person ever," Poe said with a grin, running his fingers along the ladder leading up to the cockpit. "I couldn't believe you were willing to take me flying." 

"I'm still not sure how you talked me into it," Jacen admitted. "I just remember I really wanted to make you happy."

"You always did," Poe answered, turning to walk deeper into the ship. "I don't think I ever had quite as much fun as I had with you. Around you, I always knew things were going to turn out okay."

Jacen laughed, shaking his head as he followed Poe back into the living quarters. "Funny, I had the same feeling, for a very different reason. I had fun around you, but I always knew I was going to wind up in so much trouble." 

"Not mutually exclusive! We had trouble, it turned out okay." Poe stopped outside Jacen's door. "Still yours?" Poe asked, rapping his knuckles against the back of it.

"Still mine," Jacen answered, and toggled the door open. "And I have to say, mostly is the operative word. Or do you not remember the incident with the gruntbeasts?" 

"The mud washed out!" Poe laughed as he ducked through the door.

Jacen followed him into the room. "Or the time we were caught spraying Duratint along the sides of the pandería!" 

"It was an ugly wall." Poe flopped back on the foot of the bed, like he was twelve again and stealing what little privacy they could. "And after you ducked your head and looked all earnest even the owner agreed we made it look better." 

Jacen was momentarily tongue-tied at the sight of the real Poe looking so relaxed in Jacen's space. Him. Not a memory, not a dream. Jacen sat down next to him, not quite touching. 

It took him a minute to get his tongue working again, enough to add, "I seem to recall you convincing me to eat half a cake before a party," 

"That was dumb, but in my defence, I was seven and it was delicious." 

Jacen paused. "Fair." He hesitated a moment, not quite sure whether or not to say the next thing on his mind. But he looked over at Poe, grinning easily at him from across the bed, and once again, Jacen felt brave. "There was that time we wound up married." 

"Right," said Poe, his smile growing lean and toothy, like a predator. "Glad you mentioned that, by the way. What a mess! Do you have any idea how hard it is to get a divorce when half of the relationship just vanishes?!"

Jacen couldn't help his laugh at Poe's outrage. He saw how fake it was. Just a friend, teasing a friend about a dumb thing that had happened. One more knot of anxiety relaxed in his chest as he shook his head and answered, "No, Poe, I don't. Sorry about that." 

Poe shrugged. "Yeah, well, I don't actually either." 

Jacen went still. "You, um…" 

"Never felt the need," Poe said, his voice going soft. He actually pinked a little, a tiny flush that traced down the V of his unfastened flight suit. 

Jacen tried to remind himself there were a thousand reasons that might be true. Poe had been busy. Or lazy. Or barred from New Republic space due to leading an extra-judicial army. But none of those explanations fit the expression on Poe's face—wistful and embarrassed and just a little bit hopeful. 

"I never expected…we're still—"

Poe gave Jacen a lopsided smile. "Legally bound in matrimony. Yeah. I figured you were dead. Or you had moved on and forgotten about me. But…filing for divorce just felt like giving up on you. And I couldn't do that." 

Jacen laughed a little, shaking his head. "You're a sap." 

"Yeah, yeah." Poe licked his lips, and imperceptibly leaned toward Jacen. But then, something darkened his expression, and he leaned back again. "If you want to do the deed and finally get properly divorced, we can," he said casually. 

Too casually. The younger Poe had worn his feelings on his sleeve, and had never quite managed the studied calm Poe was giving him now. But Jacen felt he knew the instinct. It was the same as when Poe had sprained his wrist jumping out of trees and tried to pretend nothing had gone wrong and they could keep playing. 

He was hurting, but he didn't want to make it anyone else's problem. His sabbac face was just better now. 

Jacen chose his next words carefully. "When I realized there was no way home, I realized that out of everything in this galaxy, the thing I missed most…was you. I may have never taken the husband thing too seriously, but you were _important_. In a way I regretted not realizing sooner." Jacen reached under his shirt collar, and pulled out the woven wedding band. "I put this on the day we landed, and I haven't taken it off since then." 

Jacen tugged the red band over his head and held it out to Poe. 

"What is—wait, is that?" Poe reached out and lifted one edge of the necklace, the other still in Jacen's hand. He ran his thumb over the knots. "Did you—?"

"It's the ribbon from our wedding. I saved it. I didn't have the words, then, to explain why." Jacen gave a lopsided smile. "I still don't. But I thought about you every day. Even recorded you some horrifically maudlin audio messages. You're why I tried to find my way home."

"You sap," Poe echoed back with a laugh. He still hadn't let go of the ribbon, his eyes fixed on it with wonder. 

"Guilty as charged." Jacen lifted his end of the necklace, until it went up and over Poe's head. His hands lingered there for a moment, with his knuckles against Poe's collarbone, before he let the necklace go. 

"Jacen," Poe's hand shook a little as he reached up to touch the band. He shook his head and looked up at the ceiling, his eyes going bright. "You know, when I was eighteen, and trying to talk you into bed with me, and I told you I didn't want anything serious but I did want to treat you right?" 

"Uh-huh," Jacen said, wondering where Poe was going with this. 

"I lied," Poe's foot bounced against the side of the bed, a little nervous kick of energy. "To myself, as much as you. But I've had some time to think about it, and we probably wound up drunk and making promises because some part of me has wanted those promises since I was six years old." 

Jacen took a shaky breath, before admitting, "I think…I probably wanted it too." 

Poe's foot kicked again. "And then again, that night by the ocean, when I was trying to convince you to have _entirely casual_ sex with me. Remember that?" 

"Vividly." Jacen remembered it like he was there again; Poe looking beautiful and fragile and perfect in the reflected moonlight, asking if he could touch Jacen some more. 

"I was just starting to realize how far gone I was on you. How much trouble I was in. So I lied then, too. Told you I was having _loads_ of casual sex, no problem, you and I could just be more of the same." 

"So you weren't…" 

"No, Jacen. I was a stressed out, exhausted academy student, not a libertine. I was around my best friend and starting to realize that I felt at home and centered around you in a way I felt around nobody else and that was a _problem_ because you always leave." 

"And then I left again," Jacen filled in the blanks. "Poe, I'm so sorry." 

Poe raised a finger. "No. You're still not apologizing for things that aren't your fault. I'm not talking about that. I'm talking about the fact that your home is here"—Poe rapped his knuckles against the metal hull alongside Jacen's bed—"and mine isn't. It never was." 

"I—"

Poe raised a finger and pressed it against Jacen's lips. Then he leaned in, dropping his finger and replacing it a moment later with his lips. Jacen's eyes fell shut, happy to be in the moment and savor this touch, the way Poe felt, the way his breath passed over Jacen's cheek. 

Too soon, Poe pulled away, and then to Jacen's dismay he tugged the red band back up and over his head. "I am always going to be your friend," Poe said, as he held the red band back out to Jacen. "And I hope to see you around a lot more. But…I guess I've grown up. Had to realize, sooner or later, that I can't keep carrying a torch for the guy that always leaves." 

Jacen reached up, and instead of taking the band, took Poe's fingers, and wrapped them around the cord again. 

"Jacen I can't—" Poe said, so pained that Jacen knew if he pushed, knew if he leaned in and stole another kiss, he'd have Poe. But it wouldn't be a happy coming together, it would just be stretching out the goodbye. Jacen didn't want a bittersweet connection. 

Jacen didn't want to say goodbye. 

Jacen squeezed Poe's fingers, both of them together holding the red cord tight. "What if I stay?" Jacen asked. 

Poe's eyes went wide. 

"What if I'm tired of leaving?" Jacen pressed. "I've been gone for ten years, what if that's enough?" 

"Don't—don't paint a fantasy," Poe said, sounding tired. There wasn't any hope on his face. Not yet. 

Jacen kept talking. "I've always figured that you liked me, and you liked me the same way you like everyone else. I always figured that you liked me about the same as any of your school friends, any of your academy peers, any of those lovers you lied about having, any of these soldiers that joined you in the fight. I thought I was one of a crowd, and I was happy with the time I got." 

"That's not—that's _never_ who you were." 

"I'm getting that," Jacen said gently. "Another thing I should have seen sooner. House full of people at your graduation and you share the bed with me. Celebration full of your comrades in arms…" Jacen trailed off, gesturing with his free hand to the bed they sat on. "I've only just now figured out what I have. I don't want to let it go." 

Jacen let go of his grip on Poe's fingers, turning his hand so his palm was face-up, instead. "Maybe I'm too late. Maybe I've been gone too long. But if you want me—if you think we've got a chance of something together, I'll stay." 

Poe didn't uncurl his fingers. His gaze was fixed on Jacen's open hand. "I thought I was supposed to be the one that's good at talking _you_ into things," he said, his voice sounding a little faint. "I'm not sure how I feel about it being the other way around." 

"I've had some time to think about that," Jacen said, leaving his palm face-up, waiting for Poe's decision. "And I realized you've only really succeeded when you were talking me into things I already wanted. Things that maybe I just needed a little bit of courage to take." 

Poe raised an eyebrow, letting Jacen know that he saw the parallel and he wasn't too impressed by Jacen's conclusion. "What happens if your mom decides it's time to go? Some emergency happens and she flies off?" 

"Then I'm counting on you to figure out a place I can bunk." 

Poe's eyes fell shut. Jacen's forearm started to ache with the effort of keeping his arm up and steady, but he wouldn't move now for the world. He waited, tense with anticipation, to hear Poe's answer. 

Finally, after what felt like an eternity, Poe opened his eyes and looked levelly at Jacen. A smile pulled at the corner of his mouth as he responded, "I've got a double."

Jacen exhaled, a little tremble moving through him as his body's tension switched from anxiety to excitement. "That works for me."

"We've barely spent any time together." Poe started to sound a little desperate. "We can't—what, just…stay married?" 

"That would be stupid," Jacen agreed. He paused, leaning a little closer and raising an eyebrow. "But when has that _ever_ stopped us?" 

Poe burst out laughing. The movement nearly made him drop the band, but before Jacen's still-open palm could catch it, Poe's fingers curled around the red ribbon even tighter. "Okay. Okay?" 

"Yes," Jacen said, slowly lowering his palm and watching Poe. "So we're…?" 

Poe caught Jacen's hand before it could hit the bedspread, and brought it back up. Holding it in place, he draped the marriage band over Jacen's fingers, so it hung loose around both of their arms.

Jacen's heart started beating faster. 

"Since neither of us remember the first go-around," Poe gave Jacen a lopsided smile. "Jacen Syndulla, it was dumb then and it's dumb now but you've always felt like home and an adventure all in one, and that's more important than all the logic in the world. So lets make some promises." 

Jacen shifted his hand so he hooked Poe's pinkie in his. Childhood vows, all grown up. "Poe Dameron, I promise, that despite this being probably a bad idea, I'm going to be careful with you. I'm going to do what I can to make this work." 

Poe squeezed their pinkies together. "And I promise to not let you get too serious about that. I promise to get us both into trouble, and do my best to get us out again." 

"And I promise to shoot down your really terrible ideas before they get us into _too_ much trouble." 

Poe laughed. Sobering, he said, "As long as you stay, I promise to build a home with you, as best I can. I'm still a pretty awful cook, but I'll do my best." 

"I promise to stay," Jacen said simply. With a little smile, he added. "I promise to do most of the cooking, too." 

"I'll take the dishes." Poe stopped, and then he smiled, beautifully, like light pouring in between parting clouds. "I love you." 

Jacen's didn't know how much he wanted to hear those words until they were said. Poe had such a large share of his heart, but he had never really been sure Poe felt the same. 

Jacen felt heat flood his face. He closed his eyes, and took a deep, slow breath, before he let the truth out. "I love you too. And I promise to keep doing that, as well as I can, for as long as I am able." 

Poe's hand trembled, but his smile steady. "I promise, too. Jacen, I swear, I am going to love you so well."

Jacen shifted their grip so he held Poe's hand outright, and brought the back of Poe's hand to his mouth for a brief kiss. "That's all the promise I need." 

Poe swallowed hard, and Jacen could feel the way his hand was shaking. With a slightly forced humor, Poe asked, "So, which of us keeps the band now?"

"You should," Jacen decided, pulling it off of Poe's hand and using his fingers to spread the circle open. "After another thirteen or so years we can switch off again." 

"Deal," Poe said, ducking his head and letting Jacen put the band over his curls. He straightened when Jacen was done, and he looked so adorable, flushed and earnest and _Jacen's_ that Jacen needed to lean forward to kiss him again. 

Poe stopped him with two fingers on his chest. "Wait," Poe said. "Close your eyes." 

Jacen obediently followed the order, listening with interest as there was some rustling, some movement, and then the feeling of a skin-warmed chain settling against his neck. Jacen opened his eyes to find the Shara's ring dangling against his chest. "Poe I can't—" 

"I started telling people I was just waiting for the right person to give it to." Poe reached out to put his hand on Jacen's chest, sandwiching the ring between them. "Which was true. I just left out the part that I already knew exactly who that was."

"Poe," Jacen said, a little helplessly. "You keep saying lines like that, you have to let me kiss you." 

Poe used the hand on Jacen's chest to grip Jacen's shirt, and used that hold to haul him into a kiss. It was different than the times they'd kissed before. Jacen's map of Poe had grown outdated. Poe's lips were fuller now. He'd broken his nose, and it healed a little crooked. His grip was stronger and steadier. 

But it was still Poe, and Jacen still knew him. New and known, together. 

"I can't wait to get you naked again," Poe whispered against his skin. "I want to learn you all over again." 

"Let's get out of here," Jacen responded, as his whole body arched toward Poe. 

Poe pulled back a little. "We're in your room. We're on your bed. I _just said_ I wanted to get you naked. And you want to leave?" 

"I want—" Jacen pulled away, and laid his hand against the ship's hull by his bedside, the walls that had kept him safe and been his home his whole life. The walls it was time to move on from. "You're not home here. I want you to take me home." 

"Oh," Poe said, like the breath was punched out of him. "Yes. Yes, I can do that." 

Jacen paused before they left, beckoning Poe over to his tiny desk. He scooped up his audiolog and, after a moment's hesitation, held it out to Poe. 

"Are those the maudlin letters?" 

"Among other things. It's…not pretty. It's how I kept myself sane, and it's more of me than I planned on sharing with anyone else." Jacen felt his cheeks heat, and a glance at the tiny built-in mirror confirmed his suspicions that he was flushing pale green. "I want you to have them." 

"I don't need this," Poe said slowly, turning the log over in his hands. "I trust you to tell me the important things." 

"I still want you to have it." Jacen gave a little shrug. "Listen, don't listen, it's up to you. But I think—in a way, it's yours. Most of the time, I was talking to you."

"I'll keep it safe," Poe said solemnly, and tucked the audiolog in his pocket. He reached out and took Jacen's hand. "But right now, I'm more interested in the Jacen in front of me. Let me…" Poe swallowed, his own cheeks going a little pink. "...take you home."

They left the Ghost with their fingers still tangled together. Jacen felt incredibly self-conscious, having Poe's ring hanging in the middle of his chest, and the red band proudly displayed along Poe's throat. But they had made their decision, and Jacen wasn't about to start hiding now. 

They made it as far as the clearing before someone saw them, and with visible enthusiasm dragged them back into the crowd of people. Before Jacen quite knew what was happening they were both swept up in a celebratory dance. Poe raised his eyebrows, asking silently if Jacen was okay with it. 

Jacen smiled, and nodded. He felt like celebrating. 

"Hey, there you are!" Jacen's dance was interrupted by his mother grabbing him by the shoulder and turning him around. "I had wondered where you wandered off…" Hera trailed off, her eyes finding the ring that was just about at eye level to her. She looked around quickly and Jacen could tell the moment she found Poe, and noted the band around his neck. She looked back at him, and gave him a proud smile. "Disasters, the both of you," she said seriously. 

"Do you still love it?" Jacen asked, not bothering to deny it. 

"So much." 

Jacen took a breath, before admitting the harder, more important thing. "I, um, I'm going to be staying." 

His mom didn't tear up, like Jacen had been worried she might. She wasn't angry, or hurt, or frozen and professional. Instead, she just smiled, proud and pleased. "I'd hoped you would be. I love you so much. Be happy."

"I am," Jacen said, wrapping her up in a hug. "And I will be." 

"All I ask." She kissed him on the cheek. "We can talk logistics tomorrow. For tonight, we celebrate. Go be with your husband." 

"Yes, ma'am," Jacen offered his mom a crisp salute, which she laughed off, shoving him slightly in Poe's direction. 

Poe was talking with the two people he had decided not to interrupt, earlier. As Jacen came over, he overheard the man blurt out, "What do you mean, _married_?" 

"It's a story, for sure, ah, here he is! Finn and Rey, meet Jacen, my husband. Jacen, Finn and Rey."

Finn turned a flabbergasted gaze on Jacen. "Married?" he asked, his voice a little high. 

Jacen nodded in affirmation. 

"Huh," Finn said, looking from one of them to the other, and finally over to Rey. "Huh." 

"Come on, husband," Jacen said, deciding to lean into it. From the way Poe's face lit up, he figured it was a good call. "Dance with me." 

Poe waved goodbye to Finn and Rey. "I seem to recall you not really being a dancer," Poe said softly, as he stepped in closer. 

"Times change," Jacen said. "Don't worry. I'll just put my hands on your hips, and we'll figure out the rest as we go." 

Poe wound his arms around Jacen's neck, and offered Jacen a perfect, impish smile. "We always do." 


End file.
